Living Out Loud with Darian

Today is National Coming Out Day and the Human Rights Campaign along with GLADD has launched a national campaign to encourage those who are closeted to come out. But more importantly they're encouraging the people on the receivng end to be tolerant and accepting of those who choose to disclose such an important aspect of their lives. HRC has a special guide to coming out for African-Americans with tons of great information on their website along with a video message from President Joe Solmonese. GLAAD has enlisted the help of over 20 celebrities from tv, film, and sports in their "Be an Ally and A Friend" commercials set to begin airing today.

Coming out is often a difficult decision because once you say those two words(I'm gay) out loud you can't take it back. I came out at 16 and it was simultaneously one of the most liberating and the most emotionally draining experiences I've ever had, but I honestly wouldn't have it any other way. Leading a double life and lying to the people I cared about was never an option for me. No matter what the consequences were I personally knew that my closet was a place for my clothes and not for me to hide. If I acted ashamed of who I was then society would feel validated in their mistreatment of me and others who loved as I did. My advice is to come out in your own time when you know exactly who you are and you'e prepared to deal with the sometimes harsh reality of being out.

There are plenty of resources and people who can help you on your journey. Since I can never get enough of seeing strong black LGBT people who are thriving and making a difference in the community, I decided to create a slideshow of some of the people who are making an impact on our community and the world. This list is by no means official and if I left someone out please accept my apology.

Labels: Coming Out

The black blogosphere is weighing in on comments made by academy award nominated actress Queen Latifah during a recent interview with Ebony Magazine. Latifah was asked about internet rumors surrounding an alleged romance with female trainerJeanette Jenkins, this is what she had to say:

"No comment on that at all. I'm done commenting on all that ... It's ridiculous, I know me and that's all I need to know.“And if the readers don't know me, then that’s one part they aren't going to get to know. Those are my people but they don't sleep with me," she says in a very even tone that is very consistent with her relaxed mood. "It feels so invasive. It's the one thing I don't think people need to know about."

Great way to dodge the question Latifah. But it's obvious Queen Latifah and other black celebrities have become pros when it comes to not disclosing the one aspect of their life that is so obvious to everyone else. There is so much truth in the idea that if you don't confirm who you really are for those who assume then the charade will continue.

I asked my boyfriend to tell me at least five black celebrities who are out and he could not tell me one. On the flip side the list of white celebrities who are out seemed endless. So why are gay black entertainers so afraid to come out?

Some would say Luther Vandross carried his secret to the grave with him. After years of making beautiful love songs that I'm sure were sung at thousands of weddings , Luther himself was never comfortable enough to come out and live life openly as a gay man or even have a wedding of his own.

Some people believe that it's their right to live a closeted life if they choose and the public should stay out of their personal business. Not a single comment I've read on any blog so far illustrates this point better than a comment left by a reader on jasmynecannick.com :

"I'm not sure what planet you live on, but you know damn well if she came out black people would trip. You are giving the general public way too much credit ... it would hurt her career and she knows that. And besides, it's none of anybody's damn business. Coming out is a process and she should do it in her own time. If that time never comes, then so be it. But it should be done her way. I get tired of judgmental queens and dykes trying to bully people into coming out. I'm out, but I don't have anything against people who aren't because everybody isn't in the position to be. She has a hell of a lot more to lose than gain by screaming "I'm gay." Let the woman do her thing. She has never proclaimed to be a model of strength to lesbian women of color. It's this kind of position that is a big part of the reason the gay community is as divided as it is. If people would just let folks live, things wouldn't be as hostile as they often are. People just need to let folks be ..."

Interesting and truthful to a point. How many times have you heard that homosexuality doesn't exist in the black community or that homosexuality in our culture is a result of white influence? Probably too many times to count. I remember as a young child coming into my own and dealing with my sexuality how alone I felt because I thought there was no one around who I could relate to. There was no one on television that loved the way I did and no model of a SGL relationship for me to learn from.

I know black gays often have extra baggage to deal with when we decide to come out, but I find it extremely hard to believe that in 2007 we would completely abandon a Queen Latifah or Eddie Murphy if they decided to come out. As long as they are producing quality work black people will support them. We're still buying R. Kelly albums by the millions and he's a pedophile!

As long as these closeted celebrities continue to hide who they are they will continue to drive the belief that being gay is something to be ashamed of. And with all of the progress Americans have made to understand and embrace LGBT folks(yet we still have a long way to go)and the dozens of white celebrities who are out, we are still afraid to say I'm black, gay, and proud. Now that's the real shame.

Labels: Coming Out

I came across this moving poem by my myspace friend Joseph, aka AfroCentricNeoHipHopSoul and with his permission I am sharing it with you guys on my site. It's a very moving poem that epitomizes what it means to love and accept yourself just as you were created.

God Heal Me/ I'm Coming Out 
Current mood: Expecting A Miracle

God Heal Me of the Pain

God Heal Me of the Hurt

God Heal Me of the Depression

God Heal Me of the Low Self Esteem

God Heal Me of the voice that tells me I'm less than

That two brothers can't love each other

That I'm sick because I'm a brother who loves brothers

That I need to be something or somebody else beside what I am

That I'm a faggot

That I'm a nigger

That I'm a disgrace

That I'm a dissapointment

That I'm a disease

That tells me that I'll never get back to that place of knowing and being the Young, Gifted, African American , Same Gender Loving, Christian Identified, Nubian King that I am

God Heal Me of the internalized and externalized homophobia

The internalized and externalized racism

God Heal Me of the feeling of being disconnected form myself

God Heal Me of the pain that has been inflicted upon me by people that I have admired, respected, and even loved and help me to forgive these people because I know that they know no better
I'M COMING OUT!

I'm Coming out of Homophobia

I'm Coming out of Racism

I'm Coming out of Low Self Esteem

I'm Coming Out of Depression

I'm Coming out of suicidal and Self-Destructive Thinking

I'm Coming Out of Financial Difficulty

I'm reclaiming my Peace

I'm reclaiming my joy

I'm reclaiming my Faith

I'm reclaiming my testimony, my confidence, and my praise as a Black Same Gender Loving Person of Faith

I'm reclaiming my goals and dreams

I'm reclaiming and taking control of my academic situation

I'm coming out of all these things and I'm coming out with my hands up

Click here to see who inspired this poem.

Labels: Coming Out

John Amaechi graces the cover of the new March issue of The Advocate magazine. Inside John responds to the coaches and players in the NBA who dismissed his decision to come out after retirement.

I just wrote about John a few days ago after his appearance in Atlanta in support of his memoir Man In The Middle, so I won't repeat a lot of info that you've either read here or in the dozens of publications running his story. I will however give you a bit of new information regarding this incredible man. He's officially the new loldarian.com celebrity crush!

Tall, handsome, articulate, and out ! Sign me up!

Labels: Coming Out, People

Since I started writing my blog I've received e-mail from all over the country and as far away as London and South Africa, but this particular e-mail came from an unlikely source, a relative. As I've stated before my blog has outed me to many people in my family indirectly, and the new relationship between my cousin Shaun and I has become really interesting...actually exciting and honest.

Shaun introduced me to the new AKA's of Texas Southern University. As you can see from the pictures, these AKA's appear to be a little different from the ladies you may be accustomed to seeing in the pink and green on Black college campuses. They are in fact Black gay men and it seems that they have formed their own organization patterned after the ladies of Alpha Kappa Alpha Inc. .

The thought of a group of SGL Black men being bold enough to be this out on the campus of an HBCU really intrigued me. From what I've been told the sisters of AKA at TSU are not flattered by the new male version of their beloved organization. Historically Black colleges are rooted in tradition and have not always been kind to SGL people, so for these men to be a visible presence on campus despite the expected backlash is quite courageous.

I tried to get in contact with the person who originally sent out the mass e-mail about these men but I never received a response. There's still a lot I don't know about the new AKA's and for some reason I'm beyond curious. I have a feeling that this post will reach one of the members and I will be receiving an e-mail very soon, that's how it always seems to work with me. I'll keep you updated.

Labels: Coming Out

Bloggers are all a buzz about the new book deal signed by former MTV producer Terrance Dean. In this tell all memoir Dean discusses his relationships with closeted rappers in the music and film industry. It is appropriately titled "Hiding in Hip-Hop: Confessions of a Down Low Brother in the Entertainment Industry.

According to O1LT.com, when reached by phone, Dean declined to discuss the book, but a spokeswoman for the publisher said it will identify Dean's closeted exes without naming them. "Let's put it this way: You'll know who they are," she promised. "It's a no-holds- barred look at Hollywood and hip-hop and who's living on the down-low."

Despite the images that rappers portray in front of the camera, it is no secret that homosexuality exists in hip-hop just like it does in every other profession in America. I'm sure this book is going to create a huge workload for a lot of publicists, they're going to have to work overtime to keep their artists sexuality from being questioned.

Wouldn't you hate to be one of the closeted rappers who made the mistake of "playing" with Terrance Dean? All I can say is ,"come out... come out... wherever you are" !

I've compiled a list of potential artists that could be mentioned in this book. Feel free to comment and leave your list, as I'm sure I overlooked some people. They're below on the TV screen where I'm sure they will be this time next year, but for a totally different reason.

Labels: Coming Out

Is it just me or is this week shaping up to be the second coming out for two popular ex-gays? Venus magazine creator Charlene Cothran and minister Ted Haggard have both announced to the world that they are no longer homosexuals and have been delivered from the life. Cothran explains that her conversion was a long difficult process but she has finally been "healed".

In the case of Ted Haggard, the men who were appointed to help him conquer his "sinful" attraction to men stated that a conversion of this magnitude would take anywhere from three to five years, well after only three weeks of "rehab" Ted Haggard has emerged as a brand new heterosexual. If it sounds sketchy then it's probably because it is.

I can only imagine the personal turmoil these two individuals have gone through over the years, they're both christians(gay christians might I add)and not everyone is able to reconcile they're sexuality with their faith, especially when your spiritual leaders are telling you you're an abomination and view gay bashing from the pulpit as a popular sport.

Charlene Cothran and Ted Haggard are perfect examples of self hate and religion gone out of control. Venus magazine was once a publication focused on LGBT people and now the very magazine that our community helped to build is being used as a weapon to convince us and our enemies that sexual orientation is not indigenous and can be changed.

If Charlene believes that somewhere deep down inside and I mean real deeeep inside that she's straight then I say by all means live your life authentically, but I have a problem when Charlene, Tedd and others like them who come forward and lead others to believe that their experience is the cure for homosexuality. I'll consider "curing" my homosexuality when we as a society collectively debate about a cure for heterosexuality. I don't see too many people trying to pray their way out of their straightness.

Ted Haggard's life is just becoming a series of disasters and this new revelation is just opeing the door for him to fall from grace again. Are we really supposed to take this man and his newfound straightness seriously? The ex-gays and their whole movement is one big joke. As gay and lesbian people we often live our lives in denial and lie to everyone about our truth in order to be spared the harsh judgement and ridicule so often hurled in our direction by those who oppose the "lifestyle".

So that leaves me to wonder why in the world would these two individuals in an attempt to come out of the closet as straight have inadvertently gone back in? Whether they realize it or not they are gay and although they might change their behavior, simply uttering the words" I'm straight" doesn't change your DNA. May God bless them.

Labels: Coming Out

In the bible, Joshua said, "As far as for me AND my house, we will serve the Lord". That implies, anything that is in my house that is not approved or blessed by God cannot stay here and abide. So, with this in mind, parents have the right AND obligation to keep their faith pure and to purge their house if necessary.-"The Captain"

Translation: If you're the parent of a gay child the bible sanctions your decision to release your child to the streets to fend for himself because his sexuality deems him unworthy of your love and the love of God. Right? Wrong! Dead wrong!

When I posted the clip of the controversial Meshell Ndegeocello video "Leviticus Faggot" last week I knew that it would spark a dialogue. The content of the video sadly is a reality for many gay and lesbian teenagers in this country. LGBT youth are twice as likely to commit suicide or end up homeless than non-LGBT youth.

Whatever happened to unconditional love? My parents were not happy when I came out and they're still less than pleased, but one thing is for sure they would have never given me up to the streets, because until I turned 18 I was a minor and they're responsibility. I just don't understand how any loving parent could turn their child away because they love differently. Yet I know that it happens all the time.

The Captain has become somewhat of my blog stalker. He is a blogger(I won't provide a link to his page because he doesn't deserve one ) and a gay man that is incredibly unhappy with the gay card he's been dealt. If you read other gay blogs then I'm sure you've come across his self righteous, "Exodus International", "Donnie McClurkin", comments.

When are those people who profess to be Christians going to start acting christ-like? The God I serve and the bible I read is based on love and not hate. It amazes me that people can find a scripture to support any mean- spirited attack on another human being all in the name of God.

"Parent's have the right to purge their house if necessary". He speaks as if the child is a bunch of old clothes that have been accumulating in the closet that are too small for the owner to wear. We're talking about a living and breathing human being, not an oversized pair of pants. I've always wondered what parents think the end result of throwing their child out or disowning them because of their sexuality will be? Could this be the cure ? Or is this just the result of religion gone out of control?

The more I read The Captain's thoughts the more I'm convinced that it's worth it to live authentically, even at the risk of being kicked out or disowned. At least I won't be shackled down by the guilt of false religion.

Labels: Coming Out

So the time has come for me to stop pretending that my site is only on the radar of young Black SGL men. To my surprise people from all backgrounds are reading my blog and responding with praise and criticism, and my family is no exception.

Before I proceed any further, let me preface this by saying although I've been out to my immediate family since I was 16, none of my extended relatives have had the pleasure (or pain for some of them) of hearing my truth spoken from my mouth to their ears. I'm learning that my blog has outed me to many different relatives, friends, town gossips, messy church members, and countless other people who don't really matter.

I've never been a person who conducted his life based on other people's opinions. I know who I am and I've grown to a place where I'm comfortable in my own skin, but it's not so easy for some people who are close to me.

I was never a problem child, (a little too talkative in school) I got decent grades, I was involved in the arts, my parents never had to pick me up from jail, I never complained about going to church, I went to college, I support myself, and I'm consider a role model to my younger cousins. So what's the problem? It's that gay thing that I can't seem to shake, right?

That "G" word just ruins it all. Have you noticed that when you come out you automatically become a different person in the eyes of some people? I recently had someone imply during a conversation that I couldn't be considered a role model to my male cousins because of my sexual orientation. To say that this infuriated me would be an understatement.

You would think that if anyone were to judge your character accurately it would be family. It seems as soon as that "G" word is verbalized, stereotypical images of men in leather barebacking each other on top of a gay pride float in San Francisco are conjured up.

My blackness and my gayness does absolutely nothing to tarnish my image or my ability to be a suitable role model for young people or my future kids. I treat others the way I would like to be treated and I live my life honestly. This was my response to the young lady who thought otherwise. I think she was a little shocked that I countered her outrageous claim, I judged that by the silence that followed.

Labels: Coming Out

If you come across the new issue of HIV PLUS Magazine or The Advocate you will probably see a familiar face. My friend and fellow blogger
Jonathan Perry is featured as one of the 8 people who are changing the way the world views HIV and the people who are living with the disease.

Jonathan has been apart of the fight to increase awareness and provide the necessary information to young people to spare them from learning about HIV the hard way. Lately his focus has been less on prevention but on hope and inspiring people to become apart of a solution to eradicate this virus that has affected so many people within the Black community.

"Education is still good. Abstinence, monogamy, and condoms are still good. But, a vaccine is is our best hope for ending this awful pandemic. We are who we have been waiting for. It is [Black] people who are going to have to move beyond the things we have allowed, so easily to beset us", said Jonathan.

I'm really close to Jonathan(he's actually sitting right next to me as I'm typing) and I know the person behind the magazine layouts and the Oprah Winfrey Show. I would never tell him this in person because it would go to his head, but I'm really proud of him. It takes courage to reveal something so personal to complete strangers.

So go grab a copy of these two magazines and support one of our own. If I have to listen to him revel in his "newfound celebrity" you should too. LOL !

Labels: Coming Out, Entertainment, HIV/AIDS

There's very few shows on LOGO that I look forward to watching now that the second season of Noah's Arc has ended, so you would have to imagine how excited I was when I came across another person of color on a network that caters to a largely white gay audience.

I'm not complaining, I love LOGO, just stating the facts. On the newest episode of Coming Out Stories we're introduced to Black lesbian rapper Trish aka Feloni. Feloni is in the process of releasing her debut album in which the lyrical content is heavy on the lesbian side. After listening to her single "I Took Your Bit**", there should be no doubt in the listeners mind that she is same-sex attracted.

The only problem is that Feloni has not come out to her father or her brother Floyd, aka "Pookie"(does every black person have someone in their family named Pookie?). She eventually works up the courage to come out and once she does she's shocked by the acceptance that she receives from her dad and her conservative brother.

It all seemed to good to be true to me. It amazes me that some families accept their kids right away and others struggle for acceptance and respect for years. The latter being my experience.

This example of unconditional love from a family further dispells the myth that Blacks are more homophobic than Whites. There's open minded people in our community who would rather think with their heads instead of relying on religious dogma to determine whether or not to accept their lesbian and gay relatives.

I wish this was everyone's coming out story.

Labels: Coming Out, Entertainment, HIV/AIDS

April 23,2006

I recently received an e-mail from a very close friend on the east coast, and in this e-mail he spoke about his desire to have a relationship with God and to worship with other believers, but was afraid to attend church because of the rampant homophobia that is so prevalent in the Black church.

Being raised in a Black baptist church in the south, I couldn't begin to tell you the number of fire and brimstone sermons or more recently "Brokeback" jokes I've had to listen to. God has always been apart of my life and I decided very early that I would not let man or his interpretation of scripture separate me from a relationship with God.

As I read his e-mail I began to think back to a time when I hadn't begun my spiritual walk and how it hurt me to the core whenever I heard ministers speak about my "lifestyle" as an "abomination" or referred to me as a "person posessed with a demonic spirit" . The church was supposed to be the one place where you could go and feel safe, where you were welcomed to come as you are to worship in spirit and in truth, except if you're gay.

For years gay people have played a vital role in the black church, on the usher board, in the choir, directing the choir, hell there would be no music on Sunday mornings if we weren't there, and even the pulpit. My last serious relationship was with a minister, and I've been approached by several others. So why is the church so unfriendly towards gay people? I'm sure almost all would say the answer lies within the word of God. It just baffles me how people pick and choose scriptures to use to persecute others and disregard one of God's greatest teachings, love.

For far too long we've sat in silence as our souls have been damned to hell, even at times shouting "amen" in response to the homophobic venom coming from the pulpit. My people often make the mistake of playing church and getting caught up in religion and not a real praying relationship with God, and in the process we use others as a scapegoat to cover our own sins, and we have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.

If I had to give my friend some advice it would simply be this: You are a child of God, created in his image and born to give him praise. He knew you and who you were going to be when you were in your mothers womb, the source of your faith should never be in your pastor or man but in Jesus. The real church should be in your heart and not the building.

Labels: Coming Out

It's that time of year again, Thanksgiving and Christmas is quickly approaching and in a black family that means it's time to go home to enjoy food and family, and in most cases show up to the dinner table with your significant other. But what do you do if you're gay and you're either not out to your family or your family refuses to acknowledge that you could possibly have a love interest?

I'm sure we've all lived through uncomfortable conversations with family members asking questions about the person of the opposite gender they expected you to bring home. What is a same gender loving person to do in this situation?

Well this is my plan. I will be driving home for the Annual Turkey Day Classic and dinner at my parents with three of my friends, Jonathan , Tramaine , and her girlfriend Riley.

My mom is estatic about the fact that Tramaine is coming home with me, finally she gets to experience the lie that has played out in her head for years, me showing up to dinner with a woman. I do consider Tramaine my girl/friend but not in the same sense that her actual girlfriend does.

It's definitely going to be an interesting dinner. Four same gender loving people in a room with people who don't understand who we are and refuses to acknowledge the truth even when it's staring them dead in the face.

There's this great T-shirt that reads "I'm not gay, but my boyfriend is". Wouldn't that be a sight to behold as I asked for bread?

I really want to believe that one day my family will embrace me and my boyfriend as two individuals who care deeply about each other. They believed I was just going through a phase, well that phase has been going on since the second grade.

Maybe they'll surprise me and act differently this time, I guess I'll soon find out.

By the way, did I tell you he's coming to dinner?

To be continued....

Labels: Coming Out