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Monday, March 23, 2009
Well urban blogger Necole Bitchie and a slew of angry single black women seem to think so. In a post published last week on Necole Bitchie.com titled "Is There A Straight Man In Atlanta", Bitchie complains about the well dressed gay men in attendance at an after party hosted by Dwight Eubanks(Real Housewives of Atlanta) and the alleged shortage of heterosexual men available for black women in Atlanta.
What follows in the comment section of the post is the usual blame game; "we're single because all of the good men are either married, broke, in jail, or gay". And for the icing on the cake; plenty of speculation about the HIV/AIDS rates in Atlanta (as if it's only being transmitted through homosexual sex).
This type of gay baiting is one reason why I choose not to frequent urban blogs, when all else fails comments and traffic is almost guaranteed when you start talking about the gays to a hypocritical audience armed with a bible and a shit load of their own problems that they can't even begin to address.
Necole Bitchie has been the exception and I've always admired her for not taking the low road. She's on top of her game and I don't mind giving props when they are due. So what happened?
After I calmed down I realized the opinions expressed were not isolated but a widely held belief among many black women that I'd heard before, particularly in Atlanta. But what these women fail to realize is that they have more in common with us than they think, we're not the enemy.
Is their a large number of gay black men in Atlanta? Yes. Are we the majority? Of course not. Actually we're a minority within a minority. Yet it's become so easy for some black women to blame their "lack of'" on us. What's so ironic about the whole thing is that while it may appear that black gay men in Atlanta have more options as far as mates, there's still plenty of men who are single, lonely, and depressed. Sound familiar ladies? So the grass isn't always greener on the other side.
A bit of advice: Stop wasting your energy getting all riled up about something that could never be yours to begin with.
24 Comments:
I love that last paragraph. "A bit of advice: Stop wasting your energy getting all riled up about something that could never be yours to begin with."
March 23, 2009 12:20 PM
Its so odd. That the recent CDC report on HIV/AIDS in DC stated:
"Heterosexual sex was the principal mode of transmission for blacks with the disease, 33 percent. Men having sex with men was the chief mode of transmission for white residents, 78 percent; and Latinos, 49 percent. Black women represent more than a quarter of HIV cases in the District, and most, about 58 percent, were infected through heterosexual sex."
But hey who wants to face the fact that heterosexual sex is the chief mode of HIV. When we can scapegoat gay black men and them darned DL brothers. I expect better of black women. I went over to media take out and some DL loser has this "manifesto" crap.
March 23, 2009 1:42 PM
Really, I do not have time for silly women who do not get that gay is not a choice and it is not a personal attack against them.
They need build their own lives and worry about a man later...and stop being so damned racist. Get any man as long as he treats you well.
March 23, 2009 2:42 PM
Okay Necole - please tell me why you're going to a salon after party thinking your going to find a straight man. It's like looking for black people in Arizona - sure they exist, but they're few and far between.
Also Darian, not all urban blogs are bad. I recently started writing for urbanthoughtcollective.com. I'm writing from the black gay perspective and my feedback thus far has been very positive.
March 23, 2009 2:47 PM
I really don't think she meant it the way you took it...
March 23, 2009 3:02 PM
Well I don't know if this would be approve but straight black women are the majority infected with HIV or AIDS. The reason has a lot to do with homosexual activity ranging from being a DL brother with a woman (and you know they exist) or even being in jail and having their needs met by another man until they get out and have sex with multiple women in which they spread the disease to single straight black women. Do you not think that has any truth to it? just asking.
March 23, 2009 3:07 PM
I agree with Drama Dupree; that last sentence in your post is the truth.
I'm surprised it's 2009 and this shit is still being tossed around like a game of hot potato. It is so not that serious. Fly and flashy attracts fly and flashy. And I think we all know that there's usually little substance behind all of that.
March 23, 2009 3:18 PM
I really think its been taking out of place what Necole said, to me u have "straight" men who really mess with gay men, and you have gay men who just puts it all out there, so I agree with Necole....
March 23, 2009 3:22 PM
SO true, i think black women need to broaden their horizons. When you continuously look for a man in the same places you will keep getting the same results.
Black women would rather blame the "gay man" than take a look at thier own funk ass promiscious husband/boyfriend. Until we seriously engage in a conversation that addresses all modes of transmission, the black community will continue to be affected at alarming rates.
lastly blackwomen are ruining the dating pool for black women by continuing to limit themselves by believing black women can only date, marry and procreate with black men.
March 23, 2009 3:38 PM
I just don't know what to say. Necole does seem to be one of the more sane urban bloggers, so I am trying NOT to paint her with THE "ignorant brush." Out Black gay men are not ruining a thing for Black women. Judging by the comments left on her blog regarding this post, Black women need to smarten up. I would say go to university, but I know fish here at my school who are dumber than a door knob when it comes to sexuality.
March 23, 2009 3:48 PM
Darian, please include this in your post. Clearly, Necole isn't as SANE as I thought. Get into her.
In response to a poster's question,
Morning sickness
On March 19, 2009 @ 12:11 pm
Necole sure do post some crazy as topics. Lmao. Just to get people talking.. How do you know if ur man is gay??"
Necole GAVE very much,
Necole Bitchie
On March 19, 2009 @ 12:19 pm @morning sickness i definitely stay away from overly sensitive men = Gay. Loud and animated = Gay. sometimes when a man seems extra homophobic that can mean gay too
ROTFLOL. Those traits aren't only exhibited by gay men. I give up on straight Black men and women. Are they all so dumb?
March 23, 2009 4:03 PM
@ paige
I am certain that there are "SOME" bisexual men out there who have given HIV to their wives, but black women cite DL men as the cause of their HIV rates like its the honest to god truth and thats just not the case. There is NO and I repeat NO evidence to support that assumption. Its just a sensationalized hyped up media frenzy that gay men are giving black women HIV. First of all as far as I know it takes TWO people to have intercourse and you should not leave your HEALTH in someone else's hand. The crux of the issue is why are you having RAW sex in 2009 anyway knowing whats going around out there in the world? Black women are looking for a scapegoat and not a solution. Until they take accountability in their own sexuality and sexual health their rates will continue to SKY ROCKET. Blaming Gay, DL (ugh I hate using that term) men as the reason HIV is being spread is naive and irrational.
PROTECT YOURSELF! Trust is a fickle thing when you in line at the HIV clinic looking like an IDIOT.
March 23, 2009 4:09 PM
Please lets all get this concept, if a "straight man" continues to have sex with a man, outside of your one or two experiments, you can no longer be considered straight. You are at the least Bi-seuxal.
K.D.
March 23, 2009 4:49 PM
Black gay men are NOT ruining the dating pool for straight black women because black GAY men and straight black women are not even remotely in the same dating pool. Black BISEXUAL men, however, are another story.
"lastly blackwomen are ruining the dating pool for black women by continuing to limit themselves by believing black women can only date, marry and procreate with black men."
Black women should certainly expand their dating/marrying horizons beyond just black men, however, there are gay, bisexual and men on the "down-low" (closeted bisexual men) in EVERY race. There are married white men who play around on their wives WITH MEN. Remember the disgraced ex-Rev. Ted Haggard? Remember former New Jersey governor, Jim McGreevey?
March 23, 2009 5:47 PM
Gay men are not ruining it for black women. I'm speaking as a hetero woman.
Too Many date losers for years. Others continue to discount good men because he doesn't have the right look, the right car, the right degree, the right amount of money in his bank acct. The right height, the right size d**k and I could go on and on. Not saying people should settle but I know too many women who will not give a good man a chance because he might drive a Hyundai and not a Mercedes.
And lastly, I love black men, but too many of them have dropped the ball and are worthless lowlifes. Not generalizing here, I know that there are many good black men. But far too many are in prison or unemployed.
March 23, 2009 6:17 PM
"And lastly, I love black men, but too many of them have dropped the ball and are worthless lowlifes. Not generalizing here, I know that there are many good black men. But far too many are in prison or unemployed."
It seems like the only thing a straight black woman has to do in order to be considered potential "wife material" is not be married. This is so not true.
More than 70% of black babies are born out of wedlock. Most of those babies were conceived by individuals who were little more than f**k buddies - somebody they met 'up in da club' or 'in da hood'.
Why do so many black women have illegitimate babies by men who see them as cum dumps? The majority of black babies today are born to poor, single women who are drug addicts, mentally ill, mentally defective, more interested in being 'in the da club' than raising their children, etc. Most of these women were impregnated by men who are in and out of prison and who are themselves substance abusers and/or mentally defective in some way.
My point is that although many of these black men ARE low-lifes, many of the black (and sometimes white) women who are having sex and babies with these men are low lifes, too. Low lifes having sex and babies with low lifes. This does not bode well for the future of the black race.
March 24, 2009 9:46 AM
My point is that although many of these black men ARE low-lifes, many of the black (and sometimes white) women who are having sex and babies with these men are low lifes, too. Low lifes having sex and babies with low lifes. This does not bode well for the future of the black race.
You won't get any argument from me there. A lot of women fail to see the role that they play in all of this.
March 24, 2009 2:16 PM
Atlanta already has a disproportionate about of women, let along black women. So more women are "competing" for a limited number of men.
Black women need to stop searching in the same places for the same things. Don't look for a str8 man in Midtown or Buckhead(of course they are there, but i mean, come ON), and don't JUST look for black men.
I have had a hard enough time as a black gay man in terms of making a connection, because most str8 dudes are taking the metro look thing to a whole 'nother level. In that respect I can relate. But I am TIRED of black women blaming their problems on black gay men. We have our own burdens, none of which are caused or affected by YOU ALL
March 24, 2009 5:22 PM
It appears to be an outcry from a certain geographical areas. I would suggest looking at it from their (women) point of view. Naturally, they want to be involved with one man, monogomous, in love, even marriage perhaps. There is nothing wrong with having these things because they are good, wonderful, exciting. However, year after year of failure to meet the right man and men that lie, cheat, or those men who are not interested in women at all, they feel discouraged and some take it as they are cursed. Are they competing in a limited pool? That maybe true, but overall, can you blame their outcry and hurt? I am not saying gay men are at fault. I'm sure single gay men, can identify with them because of similar struggles looking for a mate with a "limited" pool, it is brutal. Overall, I understand their outcry and pain and I understand it takes a tremendous toll on their emotional state as well. I been there myself.
March 25, 2009 2:26 AM
"I would suggest looking at it from their (women) point of view. Naturally, they want to be involved with one man, monogomous, in love, even marriage perhaps. ...
However, year after year of failure to meet the right man and men that lie, cheat, or those men who are not interested in women at all, they feel discouraged and some take it as they are cursed. ... Are they competing in a limited pool? That maybe true, but overall, can you blame their outcry and hurt?"
I can understand their "hurt" but they should place the blame where it belongs - on themselves and straight black men. Straight black women who want to be married should stop fishing in the polluted waters of the so-called "black community" and start fishing in the wide open ocean. By that I mean they should date/marry QUALITY non-black men.
Most straight black men today are not marriage minded. They are not real men in the classic ('old fashioned') sense of wanting to be providers and protectors of women and children. This is NOT straight black male bashing because it's true.
Keep in mind that all straight black women (the baby mamas, hoochie mamas, drug/alcohol addicts, welfare recipients, etc.) are not quality women but those black women who ARE quality women should begin dating/marrying "out". There are plenty of quality non-black men.
Black gay men have NOTHING to do with the dating pool for straight black women. We have our own problems meeting and mating with quality gay men.
March 25, 2009 9:37 AM
This kind of mess is why I don't have many friendships with straight black women.
If you're femme they may look at you as a "sister" and be friendly but if you're not the stereotype there is usually some tension.
Anthony in Nashville
March 25, 2009 10:06 AM
no i daont think gay men are are ruining the dating pool for black women , if anything their helping us (women) weed out the down low bruthas .Also, if the man is gay y would i b checking on him?
March 31, 2009 8:22 PM
Either way, downlow black men are still a disgrace to black men-that IS the reality.As a black woman, these men are destroying the image of black men.I do feel ashamed of them!
May 11, 2009 9:13 AM
I just have to shake my head when I read some of the scapegoating directed at gay men. While gay men may reduce the static pool count of available men for marriage or committed relationships, some Black women are truly the queens of personal non accountability. Are you feminine, friendly and lady like or do you describe yourself as a "STRONG" black woman. If a quality straight Black man in the 35 year old age bracket presented himself, what would a large percentage of Black women be offering him. Too many of you are overweight and have no interest in going to a gym to try to present a healthy persona and physique. Sure there are a small percentage of men that like heavy set or fat women, these dudes are generally thirsty, broke, or game-less betas. If you have children, you present a relationship prospect that is unbalanced, "in your favor", right off the bat. You gave up something to your previous babies daddies, that is highly valued to many alpha males, your womb. Why would any man want to come into a relationship knowing that he's going to be third or fourth in the line of importance, behind some other dude(s) who may not be about anything and who got the best part of your youthful body. real alphas don't tend to be S.I.M.Ps (someone impressed with mediocre pussy). If the sex was consensual and not rape, they let the dudes go raw in them. Yes, this is hard and some would say it's shallow, but if we don't like the shallow end of the pool, why would you want to get into the deep part. For you educated women, congratulations on your personal accomplishments, but to a significant degree, most men don't care about your degree's. If a man looks at you and can't imagine you getting his, (soldier to salute), it's a wrap before hello. So if you're presenting a C or a D game, it may not work out too good for you. In addition, there's the increasing competition from non Black women who are open to dating Black men.
The days of Black men being relegated to the hood for dating options are long gone. If you're not fishing with quality bait, don't be surprised if you're only catching suckers.
February 16, 2014 11:12 PM
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