Well I'm back! After a long week that seemed like it would never end and a nasty case of the flu, I've regained my mojo and I'm ready to return. I have to tell you that I wasn't sure that I would ever write anything in this space again after last week.
Once I came down from my Tylenol Cold/Thera Flu drug induced state I fell into one of the deepest depressions I've ever experienced. I didn't see it coming and the scary thing was I didn't quite know how to pull myself out of it.
I always take pride in having control over my emotions. I often joke that I have a "male period" that hits me at least once a month when I usually reflect on my life and everything that's going wrong and I allow myself to fall into a funk, but I limit those feelings to 24 hours and then I force myself to get over it. But this time was different. I was in a head on collision with rejection, loneliness, disappointment, anger, and despair.
Have you ever felt like you were all alone in the world although you have friends and family or maybe even a partner who confess to love you? This is so personal for me and as I'm writing this one side of my brain is diligently working to stop my fingers from hitting the keys, but I'm on the train now so I may as well ride it out.
I've always been a fighter and I've never been afraid to say out loud what other people were thinking, especially when it comes to LGBT issues. I've always chosen to embrace my authentic self and reject the person my family and society told me I had to become in order to be deemed "acceptable". But for the first time last week it all seemed to high of a price to pay and I became tired.
Tired of fighting for everyone else and looking around to find no one in my corner.
Tired of giving unconditional love and not receiving it back in return. "Oh we love you Darian but we can't love all of you".
Tired of having to explain why I have a right to live and love equally in a country that treats me as a second class citizen.
Tired of dealing with the reality that almost every week somebody who loves the same way I do has lost their life because in pockets of this country it's acceptable to kill a fag.
Tired of pretending that the anti-gay hate mail that I receive almost on a daily basis doesn't bother me. Honestly, most days I chalk it up to ignorance and laugh it off, but it's when the hate comes from brothers within the community who are comfortable being invisible, on the DL, used and abused by the church, and demonized by the media who write me upset because I'm "stirring the pot" is when I get a little pissed off.
Some days I wonder if I'm making a difference. Some days I wonder if it would just be enough to live my life authentically and say to hell with the gay community and the opposition that is constantly spreading lies and promoting fear about a marginalized people. But then I realized that this would be the most unauthentic thing I could do, because I do care. I'm an activist not because I want to be "known" but because I have no choice, it's in my blood.
I'm learning to not expect unconditional love and acceptance from my friends and family or even the readers of this blog. But to love God and myself more because he is the one person that has never failed me. (Thanks for calling right on time Trent )
So in the words of the famous "ex-gay" Donnie McClurkin,"we fall down but we get up". And I must get up because my work is not done.