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8 comments | Sunday, March 09, 2008

Well I'm back! After a long week that seemed like it would never end and a nasty case of the flu, I've regained my mojo and I'm ready to return. I have to tell you that I wasn't sure that I would ever write anything in this space again after last week.

Once I came down from my Tylenol Cold/Thera Flu drug induced state I fell into one of the deepest depressions I've ever experienced. I didn't see it coming and the scary thing was I didn't quite know how to pull myself out of it.

I always take pride in having control over my emotions. I often joke that I have a "male period" that hits me at least once a month when I usually reflect on my life and everything that's going wrong and I allow myself to fall into a funk, but I limit those feelings to 24 hours and then I force myself to get over it. But this time was different. I was in a head on collision with rejection, loneliness, disappointment, anger, and despair.

Have you ever felt like you were all alone in the world although you have friends and family or maybe even a partner who confess to love you? This is so personal for me and as I'm writing this one side of my brain is diligently working to stop my fingers from hitting the keys, but I'm on the train now so I may as well ride it out.

I've always been a fighter and I've never been afraid to say out loud what other people were thinking, especially when it comes to LGBT issues. I've always chosen to embrace my authentic self and reject the person my family and society told me I had to become in order to be deemed "acceptable". But for the first time last week it all seemed to high of a price to pay and I became tired.

Tired of fighting for everyone else and looking around to find no one in my corner.

Tired of giving unconditional love and not receiving it back in return. "Oh we love you Darian but we can't love all of you".

Tired of having to explain why I have a right to live and love equally in a country that treats me as a second class citizen.

Tired of dealing with the reality that almost every week somebody who loves the same way I do has lost their life because in pockets of this country it's acceptable to kill a fag.

Tired of pretending that the anti-gay hate mail that I receive almost on a daily basis doesn't bother me. Honestly, most days I chalk it up to ignorance and laugh it off, but it's when the hate comes from brothers within the community who are comfortable being invisible, on the DL, used and abused by the church, and demonized by the media who write me upset because I'm "stirring the pot" is when I get a little pissed off.

Some days I wonder if I'm making a difference. Some days I wonder if it would just be enough to live my life authentically and say to hell with the gay community and the opposition that is constantly spreading lies and promoting fear about a marginalized people. But then I realized that this would be the most unauthentic thing I could do, because I do care. I'm an activist not because I want to be "known" but because I have no choice, it's in my blood.

I'm learning to not expect unconditional love and acceptance from my friends and family or even the readers of this blog. But to love God and myself more because he is the one person that has never failed me. (Thanks for calling right on time Trent )

So in the words of the famous "ex-gay" Donnie McClurkin,"we fall down but we get up". And I must get up because my work is not done.


<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

The most touching blog post you have ever written. Period.

March 10, 2008 2:04 AM

<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

AWww man don't worry everyone feels like that sometimes. My name is Mike, i'm actually a straight guy and i love your blog. You've changed my opinions on gays ever since i was writing an essay on homosexuality in society and found your blog. First, i wasn't okay with what you said and represented but i kept coming back because what you said made sense each time. I saw a gay bashing vid from Jamaica that you posted and i almost threw up when i looked at myself in the mirror the next day. I thought, is this what i could have done if i had been there? Is this what i'm capable of?

Homosexuality will take awhile before people accept with many closeted living around, there is also the fact that because God supposedly said it is an abomination even though humans wrote the bible and there had every input of it, people will have to listen to it. When it comes to what is happening whether in Jamaica or around the world, people use religion as an excuse to kill. I never recall God saying it was okay to judge or kill anyone. Those priests will burn in hell, mark my words and i'm a christian!
In my opinion homosexuals should stop trying to get people to accept them, it won't happen, the key is to get people to mind their own business because whatever sexuality one chooses, it is his/her problem. Everyone should at least be entitled to that.
Why i it that if you put a straight man in jail he turns gay? People always say cuz there are no women around, well, what about if you put two brothers(related) in jail, will they sex each other up? People will say No! they're brothers why would they do that?
Well these brothers are humans will sexual feelings and choose not to sex each other because they know they are related. These other men in jail can choose not to sex each other, all they have to do is think of each other as brothers right?
Everyone can be gay then, so what is the big deal? My brotehr your words are inspiring no need to feel down because i am spreading your message. You are an inspiration and even my friends you are the macho and masculine men that you will ever meet have read your blog and they are starting to nod. You are not only touching gays, you are touching us too! Keep on preaching!

One love!

March 10, 2008 2:50 AM

<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

Dear Darian,

I must admit that I was not a regular visitor to your blog unlike, say, my daily trips to rod 2.0 or Da Doo Dirty show.

Recently, though, after repeated failed attempts I was finally able to download the 27th February, 2008 edition of DJ Baker's show where you were the featured guest. It takes a lot to do battle with DJ and survive with your dignity and self-respect intact without looking like a total idiot ("I'm NOT going to answer THAT!"). I was genuinely impressed with your confidence and articulation; at age 27 you do have an old soul and your readers are better off for it. That interview alone convinced me that I should make you a part of my daily blog-trekking.

Your comments on today's entry struck a nerve with me. It is the second time in three weeks that a popular LGBT/SGL blogger has had to "down tools" and really reflect on what they're doing: its impact, its value and its currency with the targeted group. DJ was your immediate predecessor in this regard in late February and, regretfully I think, was compelled to remove his rant by his advisers on the grounds that it was "unprofessional". (Luckily, I saved a copy of it for posterity before it was deleted!)

Personally, I think it's a good thing when people who read your material can see the toll it takes on you: how else are they going to be moved to individual action and personal responsibility. At some point WE all have to understand that this blogging thing is more than cheap or easy entertainment. It takes REAL commitment and an unimaginable audacity to persevere in the face of such odds.

I guess what I'm trying to say (like I did with DJ) is that what you do is taken seriously and your efforts would truly be missed if you were unable to do what you do with your words, voice and insight.

I live in the Republic of Trinidad and Tobago in the West Indies, what most Americans call the Caribbean, and let me just confirm (if there was any doubt) that your impact is felt and acknowledged far beyond your shores.

Stay strong!

Gersham Hayden Weekes,
Republic of Trinidad and Tobago.

March 10, 2008 8:50 AM

<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

Man, that was a very moving post...I visit your blog many times a week. I find it interesting because I feel your words. You are a much need person in a world like this. Keep your head and keep doing what you do!!

March 11, 2008 12:16 AM

<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

Thanks for all you do Darian. Know that there are people out here who appreciate what you do, and look forward to hearing from you. You are truly blessed and talented. Please continue to share your gifts with others.


March 11, 2008 9:26 AM

<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

I wanna give you a hug. Miss you!

March 14, 2008 2:57 AM

<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

Today is my first time reading your blog...I must confess that I was truly moved by your words.I believe them because I find my self in that same funk.I'm empowered by your COURAGE. Thank you for LIVING OUT LOUD.

March 21, 2008 11:57 AM

<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

Today is my first time reading your blog...I must confess that I was truly moved by your words.I believe them because I find my self in that same funk.I'm empowered by your COURAGE. Thank you for LIVING OUT LOUD.

March 21, 2008 11:58 AM


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