As far back as I can remember I’ve felt this way. I always knew I was different growing up. I think, even as early as five of six years old I’ve known I was gay. Gay was something you did NOT want to be growing up in Denver in the 1980’s. I always knew it was a part of me but it was something I dared not tell anyone. For the longest time, it was my deepest, darkest secret.
Growing up, I quickly learned what was acceptable and what wasn’t acceptable. I learned what would make people call me a “fag” and what would make people accept me. By the time I got into junior high, I had a happy social life and best of all, no one called me “gay.” As I grew into my body and puberty set in, my sexual urges also began to set in. I tried even harder to play the straight role. By then, I truly knew what I wanted and what I liked but kept that part of me buried deep inside.
I was pretty good at playing the straight role. I had a steady girl friend who I was having sex with on the regular. The sex was good and I truly thought in my heart I could make this “straight” thing work. It was all about the image I wanted to portray. I always imagined having a wife, 2.5 kids and a home.
I remember my first sexual experience with another boy was at 16 years old with a good homeboy of mine. We used to sleep in the same bed when he would spend the night. Little did my parents know what was going on right across the hallway underneath the sheets in my water bed. After it was all over, my homeboy and I never spoke a word about it. We never talked about, we never mentioned it. We acted like it didn’t even happen.
My urges for men grew stronger and stronger. The more I felt the urge, the more I pushed it deeper inside myself. I would pray to God every night hoping that one day, I would wake up and be “normal.” Every morning was the same thing…..I’d wake up the same boy that went to bed the night before. I accepted that this was something that would never go away but possibly, I could keep it under control.
The birth of my daughter complicated things even worse and I felt even more pressure to be the perfect father, the perfect role model, the perfect husband. Despite trying to do the right thing, I couldn’t suppress my urge to have sex with men. I eventually met the man that was to become my boyfriend for the next eight years. He was my support system and helped me come to terms with who I was.
Coming out wasn’t easy. I took my mom to lunch at Bennigan’s and told her the deal. Just forming the words to come out my mouth was hard. I was sweating and shaking. I couldn’t believe I was even saying it, “Mom, I’m gay.” My mom couldn’t believe it. She denied it at first, saying, “no you’re not, no way, you can’t be.” As I sat there and began to cry, she knew it was true. I think deep down she knew, moms always know……
It takes a lot of strength and courage to come out of the closet and be true to your self. I thank God he gave me the strength to be who I am and I thank him for making me the gay man I am today. What some people fail to understand is being gay is not a choice, its how we are. Its no more of a choice than the color of your skin or the shape of your face. It is something that is a part of us and should be celebrated, valued and recognized.
A good friend of mine, Alan puts it best:
“Being gay encompasses more than sexual identity; it is a sensibility, complete with its own wisdom, creativity, intuition, history, ancestors, humor, spirituality,and expressions of manhood. Gay Sensibility has its own way of seeing and listening to the world. It is responsible for countless contributions to the betterment of civilization. Gay Sensibility is an energetic expression of soul – the batteries for the gay man’s heart-light.
When we affirm Gay Sensibility we claim our good fortunes as men who love men, as spiritual visionaries, as gatekeepers to cultures, and as messengers of beauty. Gay Sensibilty permits and welcomes pluralized assertions of masculinity and homosexuality, namely, "masculinities" and "homosexualities."
Affirming Gay Sensibility encourages and nourishes our hearts' potentials while healing the many hurts inflicted by shame and rejection. Living in the brilliant truth of Gay Sensibility is our noble quest and inheritance. Gay Sensibility exceeds self-acceptance and feeling proud; it assumes celebration!”
Cisco and YoCisco.com is an loldarian.com affiliate. Cisco is a dancer and model. He has appeared on the cover of Adelante Magazine and is the current face of Miami Sizzle 2008. He has also been seen as a dancer for Club Papi and on Latinboyz.com on his column "Ask Cisco".