This post was taken with permission from the blog of Adam Irby. After reading it and being able to relate to it on so many different levels, I thought it was a piece that should be shared with as many people as possible, so I'm posting it here. Adam is a wonderful writer and his blog is one of my favorites. Make sure you send him some love. from ABenjaminIrby.com
What's the one thing every gay man is most afraid of?
Is it getting fat? Nope. But it's a good guess. Is it dying and going to hell? Nope. Well, I guess, for the church queens, but as a whole, no. Is it "the big disease with a little name"? Nope. Yes I said "nope," you heard me. Considering the statistics and our actions as a whole, as a community we obviously aren't all that afraid of it. Not to discount it at all but our collective actions toward it do not illustrate that we are all that fearful. So what is it you ask, what strikes fear in the hearts of all gay men? Growing old and alone.
A gay man once told me that the gay life is a lonely life. So many of us in this world, gay without our permission, born into this world, feeling flawed, look at straight people and all the opportunities they have to come together and start a family and at all the encouragement society as a whole gives them as opposed to all the discouragement and abuse society gives us.
Not to mention the way we fuck each other over. He fucked you over so you fuck over the next one and that next one fucks somebody over who you end up meeting at a club and ends up fucking you over and at the end of he day it's like what the fuck? When does it all fucking end? Can two man ever just fucking be together and be happy without all the fucking bullshit?
This is the thing, we're all wounded, wounded and scared. It's hard growing up gay in this world. More than likely our parents and other relatives don't understand us or were abusive to us. We were made fun of in school, we lived double lives, etc., etc. We all have our own emotional baggage to deal with. We put up defenses and walls to shield our all too oft broken hearts from more pain. We do it to protect ourselves but in the process we push anyone else away. As a result we're snappy, we're rude, we're fierce, we're cynical, we're jaded, 'we've created a fuck or be fucked, fuck that 'cuz I'ma get mine' world for ourselves and yet the better part of us still expects to be happy. Even if someone means us well we don't believe it because we're simply not used to it.
So what are we gonna do about it? Actually, I can't tell you what to do. As I haven't done it myself yet. The question is what am I gonna do about it? The last few weeks have been really introspective for me. I've been looking inside, seeing what makes me tick, seeing why my relationships don't work. Let's have a look at my patterns:
ADAM'S RELATIONSHIP PATTERN:
This is so fucking embarrassing by the way, but I think this is a good exercise you should do for yourself in the privacy of your own home and not necessarily for the whole world to see like I have here. Remember, we can rationalize our way out of thinking that we have a problem as long as we only let it live in our heads. But once we put it on paper it's not as easy to deny. Here we go:
- Adam meets a guy.
- Adam is attracted to the guy.
- Adam does whatever he can to sleep with the guy.
- Adam sleeps with the guy and if he doesn't get to sleep with the guy he usually becomes disinterested in the guy altogether.
- Now Adam has feelings for the guy.
- Adam as usual feels a little more for the guy than the guy feels for him.
- Adam is now scared. These are the things Adam is scared of:
- Adam is scared to show too much emotion to the guy because he's afraid that he won't get it back and that will make him feel invalidated.
- Adam is scared whenever he calls or texts and does not receive a call or text back within the hour that maybe he's doing too much and the guy is over him.
- Adam has a perpetual underlying fear that the guy will just stop calling or corresponding altogether out of the blue because it's happened to him a few times in the past and it hurt... A LOT!
- Adam knows that he has done some triflin' ass shyt in the past and is always waiting for the proverbial ax to fall.
- Adam as a result of Adam's fear of being abandoned again is torn between wanting to outpour the feelings he's feeling to the guy or to be guarded and aloof (which he's really not but only is now as a result of being hurt so many times before) in an attempt to ready himself just in case this guy abandons him.
- Adam wonders why can't he ever find a guy who likes him as equally as he likes the guy.
- Adam has actually found people like that in the past but somehow to him it just doesn't seem real so he doesn't trust it or it may actually be real but if Adam is not physically and sexually attracted to the guy then it doesn't matter to him anyway.
- Adam does more and more to get the guy to like him and validate him but the guy never really gives Adam the pat on the back that he craves.
- Adam starts to get annoyed at the fact the that he goes all out of the way for the guy and he's still not getting the validation he wants. Mind you the guy never asked for all of this sacrifice from Adam.
- Adam is frustrated, at the end of his rope and ready to break things off but he doesn't want to be alone.
- Adam passively seeks out someone else to get with as insurance as he feels that him and this guy are about to be over.
- Adam snaps and breaks things off because the guy committed a minor offense against him that most people probably would have just dealt with or ignored but not Adam, he's way too hypersensitive to invalidation and is hurt by even the smallest, most insignificant slight at this point.
- Adam is alone again and moves in closer on the new guy.
Wash. Rinse. Repeat. This is my relationship cycle in black and white. Dayum I sound crazy as hell. I don't feel too bad though cuz most of y'all bitches is crazy too. I've dated some of you. Like I said I don't have an answer yet. I know that it's definitely me who needs work but then again with all my emotional baggage flung across my shoulder I could be attracting the wrong type of men as well. I will look at this and look at my current dating situation and figure out exactly where I am on the cycle and figure out the best way to break the chain because I'm so tired of going through the same shyt over and over again. And I sure as hell do not wanna end up old and alone.
Like I always say "knowing is half the battle." Now that I have admitted publicly that I don't have it all together I can take steps toward trying to put me together. Like I said before I'm wounded, so before I can be a part of a successful relationship I have to love myself enough to heal me first so I can have something to give to someone else. So cliche, but nevertheless so true.
He's right but for some of us who are just a few years older and have done the homework...and been around the block a few times, we already are aware of this and have moved past it...
ReplyDeleteIt's all about experiencing things, learning from it and making a small change to be better.
After you've done all of that.....it's smooth sailing. Provided you've learned to love yourself despite whatever environment you are in.
It's all part of growing old...and happily.
Agreed, I'm totally with what the guy says. We do tend to start a cycle of hurt but it's up to the individual to stop it.
ReplyDeleteOne thing gay guys need to learn how to do is to trust. Yes. You have to give a brotha (or papi or whatever your flavor is) enough rope to
A. Hang himself or
B. Lasso you up and pull you towards him and vice versa.
That does not mean to give someone your car keys after the first date, but we need to learn how to just relax and be trusting. Stop acting funny whenever the guy you are dating gets a text or phone call he doesn't take in front or you. Stop tripping when that text message is not returned. Stop getting all territorial when somebody at the club, restaurant, Wal Mart, Old Navy or Starbucks strikes up conversation with the guy. That doesn't mean he wants the guy, nor does it mean that the guy wants him.
We also need to learn how to let go. Give small parts of yourself to someone overtime. The next guy doesn't act like the last guy and isn't the last guy. How can a person get to know you if you keep parts of yourself hidden because you don't want to 'get hurt again.' Getting hurt is part of being in a relationship. However, we need to move on and just deal with it.
Stop looking for perfection. Ain't none of us perfect and we need to stop looking for that thick chested, xylophone ab, bubble booty, good hair, pretty penis, muscle arm, tree trunk thigh having fantasy boy and start looking for the things that really matter. Yes. I know we HAVE to be attracted to the guy in some form, but nobody is truly the total package physically. If a guy has universal appeal like that, he knows it and well, let's face it, those 'model types' tend to be hoes. Not all of them are like that. There are plenty of guys who are pretty on the outside and inside. But the law of averages....
The things that matter? Well, that's for you to decide really, but it's most likely not the genetic lottery winning guy I just described above. Does the guy call you as much as you him? Is he really into you? Are you into him? Is he dating 3 other dudes or is he having sex with 3 other dudes? Did he tell you about the other dudes?
Okay, let me take a break now and say this:
Can we stop getting it in our minds that we are boyfriends after the first date? That's one thing that puts a lot of guys off. Sure, dinner was good the movie was nice and so was the conversation after. But we are still getting to know each other so, it's going to take a few more dates and conversations before we can really start saying we are boyfriends. Also, can we control ourselves and not 'mess around' on the first date? Honestly, if I were straight, the chick I have sex with on the first night would have very little chance of becoming my wife.
Back to my thought...
If he is really into you, is he going to tie up those loose ends with the other dudes (and you tie up your loose ends with your other dudes) so that both of you can work together and concentrate on each other instead of juggling these other guys for insurance and actually have that real relationship you both say you want? Does the brotha (or papi or whatever your flavor is) have goals in life that are in tune to yours and can you both honestly see that one day the two of you could possibly share a life together? Because you know that means that one day, your folks, friends and coworkers are going to find out about your orientation, if they don't already. And while I don't have everybody in my life knowing about me being gay, for me to have the relationship I want and have it how I want it, they are going to find out. If you or the guy you are seeing can't see yourselves as being an out couple, it may be best for you to stop dating guys right now. One of the benefits straight people get with being married is to seamlessly combine resources and most couples' biggest resource is their home. If you are going to be 'laying up with some dude' the neighbors are going to notice the lack of females going to your crib and the neighborhood association members love to gossip.
Another thing, I notice that straight couples will put up more with things that gay guys just won't. We will break up at the drop of a hat. He has gold teeth. He sent me a text that was supposed to go to someone else. He tried to talk to my friend....3 years ago. He is friends with the boyfriend of the dude I hate. I think maybe because it's easy to go to
"Adam" and have him find us someone new, that we treat our relationships like disposable diapers. We don't 'have' to really nurture and fortify any relationship with a guy we are dating because we don't want to miss the 'next best thing' or simply because the guy likes the toilet tissue to roll over instead of under, that's grounds for breakup. (The correct way is under BTW :) ) Or even, we feel like we don't deserve a real relationship anyway because we are guy and already can't get married so what's the point? It's a shame some guys have that view, it makes it seem like they view our relationships are pointless. If you have that type of feeling then you are already destined to fail.
I love watching Divorce Court (I must admit there is some pleasure in seeing the irony of straight people's relationships fail with their sacred marriages that they deny us :P ) and Judge Lynn Toler said before that you have to look at the things that you like/love about a person and then look at the things you hate and then ask yourself if you are willing to live with the things you hate about that person. That really got me thinking about my past relationships and what went wrong, what was good and what I was doing to help or hurt those relationships. It also help me pin point in what it what was really important for me.
So to that, we all should ask ourselves if we are really working on and doing the things that we need to to insure that we won't be old and alone.
Woooooooow. I'm going to re-read this one again as well as the comments because this is sooooooooo true!
ReplyDeleteInteresting post and good dialogue to have.
ReplyDelete"Can two man ever just fucking be together and be happy without all the fucking bullshit?"
Most of what he is talking about is not particular to gay people though. Straight people fuck each other over all the time -- with kids involved. I know straight women who have just resolved that their man is going to cheat and that's just the way it is.
I think it's important to not romanticize straight relationships. Also, if we think the majority of gay men are screwed up that is exactly what we will find.
Good post.
well said Mister.. best blog comment EVER on blogspot.
ReplyDelete@ MISTER- u r geniuos. so so true.
ReplyDeleteespecialy about sex on the first date..if we can stop having sex so quick that would give us time to get to know the person, talk on the phone, date...hell get ur sex from some1 else who u know u aint gonna be with long term & who is only good 4 that 1 thing- sex !..lol