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27 comments | Tuesday, May 11, 2010




Author Terrance Dean (Hiding In Hip-Hop) explores the intricacies of being a black gay man in a white gay dating world in his latest piece for Advocate.com. Dean tackles the highly controversial topic of interracial dating and explores the various reasons why many black gay men are opposed to the idea and prefer to date within their own race rather than be reduced (in some cases) to mere sexual objects.


An Excerpt From Advocate.com


Growing up, many black people are taught an emphasized sense of pride and self-assurance of loving oneself that their white counterparts are typically not. White men do not need validation in a world that already justifies their existence. Then again, some whites appreciate dark skin, but it seems too often that it is out of novelty or fetishism, rather than pure connection.


“There are white men who think that just because they are attracted to or sleep with black men, they can’t be racist,” says James Earl Hardy, 42, a writer in Atlanta and New York. “It’s as if their ability to deep-throat black dick means they don’t have a prejudice or bigoted bone in their body. They oftentimes feel the need to tell me they love black men. I always have to correct them. No, you love black meat. That is what you have reduced us to.”


Darian Aaron, a 29-year-old writer and activist from Atlanta, says the media’s shallow portrayal of black gay men is a key ingredient in the roots of the problem. “Black men are often obsessed and glorified by white men. They buy into the myths that black gay men are well-endowed and hypermasculine. White men tend to worship and seek after that and nothing else. I don’t want to be anyone’s object. We are smart, intelligent, and more than our penises.”


The fascination with the black male physique can be pinpointed to centuries ago, when slaves were stripped nude in public view of white men and women. Slaveholders boasted of black men’s penises, stating, “He is good for mating with negro slave women to produce virile offspring."


“Some of my white friends will hook up with someone black or Hispanic because it’s like a trophy,” says Jeff Brauer, 38, political science professor in Scranton, Penn. “They wouldn’t date or have a relationship with them. They think black and Hispanic men are only interested in sex. It’s a sexual thing, so they think they have nothing else in common with them.”


“Black gay men have not been out of the closet or comfortable in their own skin as white gay men,” says Lee Hayes, 35, a Washington, D.C.–based writer. “Black men are not out to the same degree as white gay men. We have a need to blend into society instead of standing out. To date outside our race makes that particularly difficult.”


Have you ever dated outside of your race? Would you consider doing so now? How do you feel about black gay men who only date white men and vice versa? In the post Obama era should race even be apart of the equation when looking for a mate?

27 Comments:

<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

I guess it would depend on what part of the country that you're in; because I don't see the contrasts of the race issue as being portrayed in this article.

In fact, the majority of Black Gay Men who are in successful, loving relationships are WITH white gay men!!!

Rarely, ( and by that I only mean ONE) have I seen a Black Gay Couple period, With the exception of Lesbians because they are more apt to tap into the emotional realm much better than men; it seems as if Black Gay Men on the whole revel in the thought of being portrayed as mere sexual objects with pride and equate it to black “manhood” that their physique and sexual proclivities are placed on high pedestals.

Rarely have I seen (or experienced for myself) a situation where I or other Black Men are able to connect with other black men in the hopes of building substantial relationships, or obtain positive dating experiences.

So, in answering the questions posed, have I or would I date outside my race?
I’ve never dated outside my race, but if given the opportunity I would; although I don’t foresee myself doing so in the near future because I haven’t come across a man outside my race that I would be interesting in dating.

How do I feel about Black Gay Men who date outside their race?
Again, based on the Black Gay climate in the area I live, I can’t blame many Black Gay men for GOING outside of their race to date. It seems as if the dating realm amongst Black Gay men is so shallow and bleak, the only acceptance and possibilities for love WOULD BE outside of the race.

In fact, it is well said WITHIN the Black Gay community that if you are to ever to look for any type of real love or the possibility of a relationship, you’d more than likely have to look outside the race because when it comes to Black on Black male relationships, the chances of landing one is slim to none.

The sad reality is that behind closed doors, many Black Gay Men know there’s a greater sense of acceptance among White Gay Men; which is why the author attempts to smooth over the notion by stating that; “We have a need to blend into society instead of standing out.”.
Black Gay men feel that by living as an openly Gay male and unashamed, it seems as if doing so is somehow threatening or a concern of being compared as less than a man or “standing out” as the author puts it.. Many Black Gay men see this as a negative attention that many of them don’t want to be viewed as.

This attitude I believe is directly reflective on the negative stigma of being Black and Gay within the Black Community.
Engrained in the mindset of many of our men, many of our Brothas seek relationships outside of the race, and in a sense free themselves from bondage mentality that the Black Community has oppressed man Brothas as a way of containment from keeping many GLBT people of color from living and expressing our sexuality and lives as we wish.


(I understand this is not the same in other parts of the nation, however the area in which I live, this is what I seen and experienced)

September 23, 2009 11:32 AM

 
<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

Smooth, I agree with so much of what you have written. Though I don't agree with all of what you said, I find the majority of it to be true (at least from my experiences). I am interested to know what part of the country you live in. I live in SE Washington, DC. I used to think that I would have no problem finding a LTR with another black man here. Boy was I wrong. The rumor in DC is that black men here usually only date black men. Well, that's just a myth. Most black men here crave attention from white and latino men. I believe that's the result of an inferior mentality brought on by consistent oppression in both the gay and non-gay communities.

I am always blown away when I walk into the Fireplace (local bar) with a white guy (sometimes attractive/usually not attractive) and he always gets a lot of attention from the so called brothas. I am frequently ignored, although I am attractive. It hurts even more when I am with an unattractive white friend. Black men always offer to buy them a drink, etc. And it's not because these white guys look friendly, approachable, or any of those other key terms. It's because these guys look white, which carries extraordinary privilege.

Too many black gay men love the stereotype that white men have of them. Furthermore, the most desirable (sexually) gay black men don't really want LTRs with white men or any men. They just want sex. So, when white guys (who crave black meat) only want sex too (and not to be seen in public with black guys), you have a perfect match. The white guys want that big black pole and the black guys want that clean white hole. It's a perfect match

I will never date white or latin. I also am beginning to accept that I may die alone if I don't stop thinking this way. Black America suffers from a severe case of inferiority that causes it to hate itself. I cannot expect Black GAY America to be exempt from this mentality. I DO NOT think that blacks should only date blacks. It is simply my preference (for now anyway). I see many successful white/black relationships. It's just that, like that white man in the interracial relationship, I want a good black man too.

September 23, 2009 12:19 PM

 
<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

Anonymous,
Thanks I appreciate the shout. I understand that some of my comments may seem a bit inflammatory, however for me personally it’s a bit unsettling that a race of people who have already endured so much set back and heartache, can inflict so much hatred and self loathing upon each other.

I live in the Dallas, Texas area and the dating scene chances here are slim to none (yes I realize that is debatable). Black Gay Men in this area in my opinion gravitate towards other races because Black Men are the “hot commodity”, and would rather be desired for their sexual skills , than to be exposed for their lack of ability to engage in loving relationships built on substance.

Because White Gays & Lesbians have come a lot farther in their struggle for acceptance and is largely accepted amongst their people; they are able to celebrate and express their sexuality more openly and freely and can choose from “the pick of the barrel” sorta speak.
While Black Men seem to be at the top of the heap, many Black Men simply do not mind being the first ones to be plucked for sexual trysts and personal White enjoyment.

Just as you stated; many Black Gay men thrive on the attention they receive from other races due in part they don’t see a “struggle” factor in many of them. When Black Men look at men from other races, what they see is that:
THEY are accepted.
THEY are able to live their lives without strong opposition from their own.
THEY to be who they are no matter the social setting,.
THEY are not the subject of hatred in music, TV, movies, and within their churches.

SO, when you have easy access to fulfill sexual desires and not worry about the implications of what the people in their surroundings will receive or perceive you, what’s a guy to do; right?

I’m not sure where the author of this piece above got his data of being witnessed to so much Black on Black relationship bliss; but in my reality (and its apparent in yours as well ) that Black Gay Men on the whole value what you called “the perfect match” (white guys {who} want that big black pole and the black guys {who} want that clean white hole.)

Just like you, I have this grave fear that I will live my days a single man, not knowing what its like to experience a relationship or intimacy with a Black Man because relationships amongst our Brothas is a rare connection to find and seems to be dying the minute.

I believe you summed it up best and I will repeat what you said;
“It's just that, like that white man in the interracial relationship, I want a good black man too.”

Amen Brotha! The question is; “Where are they”?

September 23, 2009 1:24 PM

 
<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

Hi Smooth. Sounds like I need to move to Dallas, Texas where black men are a "hot commodity." Here in DC, black men are not viewed that way. White, Latin, and even Asian men operate on the belief that they are far superior to black men. Some white men like to creep with brothas, and don't want anyone to know about it. But, in general, they treat black men like easily discarded objects after using them for their own purposes (a slave owner and slave relationship...or simply like discarding trash). Latinos are the hot commodity here. Asians wish that they were.

Smooth, you sound like a wonderful person who deserves the best. I wish for you the man of your dreams. Never settle for less. He is waiting for you. Know that you'll find him.

Peace and Love Brother.

September 23, 2009 2:25 PM

 
<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

Well, I'm just going to stick to the questions.

1) Yes, I have dated outside of my own race(s).

2) I would consider it now but am a little hesitant because of some of the extra issues that you encounter dating someone from another race. Most of which have been covered in the post. I don't feel like filtering out all of those who only want sex with a black/latino man, to be a "trophy", an experiment, or have to deal with their "friends" and their racial comments.

3) For me, anyone who ONLY dates outside of their race is highly suspect. It just seems like self hatred. It is one thing to have a preference, meaning you prefer black or white men but if the right one comes your way from your race then sobeit. But when you positively will NOT date anyone from your race, give them an opportunity, or don't even see them as a possibility, it raises an eyebrow for me.

4) It shouldn't have to come into the equation. We should look at people as people. You have decent people and dawgs in all races. Unfortunately, not everyone else thinks that way so it remains an issue.

September 23, 2009 2:36 PM

 
<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

Although I work in a field dominated by white folks and my best friend is white I will never date outside my race because I love my own people way too much to ever be satisfied romantically with a man of another race. Having once found my black soul mate and the love of my life (who unfortunately died of HIV) I also know through personal experience that 2 black men can partner quite successfully. I personally feel that one of the most critical factors in making this happen is confidence in who you are as a Black man. When deep down inside you harbor subtle or not so subtle feelings of racial inferiority the door is opened to partner with other races. I know some extremely intelligent and successful Black men who were nevertheless raised in families that were color struck. They were taught that dark skin, nappy hair and other Negro traits were ugly. Today these guys are constantly struggling with their identities and continually waffling between dating black men and white men. I have no such issues because I was raised by intelligent successful well educated parents who also taught their kids through their words and deeds that we were not inferior in any way to people of other races. As a result I don't feel the need to be validated by dating outside my race. And even though we black folks have tons of additional issues that make pairing up a challenge I still find good brothers to befriend and date.

September 23, 2009 2:45 PM

 
<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

I am a black gay male who lives in California. Gay interracial dating here is common and nothing new. If I can be brutally honest, I have no problem with interracial dating. I like embracing and learning about different cultures and having that person embrace my culture as well. It is a mutual cultural learning experience. Also, I work in a field that is dominated by Caucasian men. I look up and only notice Caucasian gay men who are available. In addition, even the city that I live in there is such a small population of black gay men. This is partially why I end up in interracial relationships I think however, do not mind dating outside of race. While I have never dated a Caucasian man I have dated Asian and Latino Men. There is a large Latino/Mexican population here in California. I sometimes feel there is a commonality with Latino men, maybe the experience of both being underrepresented and being oppressed. Now even though I am open to interracially dating a lot of my black gay friends are not. I am often looked up, down, and questioned by my black gay friends. I always ask them, should I pass up a good man just because he isn’t black?? PLEASE. Now to answer the question, I have no problem with black men dating white men. I only have a problem when one put’s his own race down to only date another (white) as if that race is more superior. In closing let me say I hope more gay black men will not limit themselves to only dating black men. I truly think you may be doing yourself a disservice if you are anal about only dating black men. I'm not saying white is right!! Follow your heart. if you prefer black men, that's cool too but don't limit yourself. Me living in Cali, I might have a different mind set than brotha's in the South and that's okay. Either way I love dating brotha's and non brotha's

September 23, 2009 4:32 PM

 
<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

Why is dating outside of your race still taboo in 2009? I've never done it, but I'm not opposed to it either. If you're really looking for love and it comes to you from someone outside of your race then what is the problem?


Black men who only date men of other races are just as limited and closed minded as black men who only date other black men. They may all miss their opportunity to experience true love.


Also, is it me or are some blacks far too sensitive to what people of other races think about us? Yes, racism is alive and well, that can’t be disputed. But I think that our pity parties are only perpetuating the vicious cycle of self hatred and low self-esteem. Yes, I consider books like this one to be a form of pity party because they seem to always point fingers and highlight what’s wrong but don’t ever seem to provide any real viable alternative and uplifting solutions. We have to teach ourselves how to love ourselves again!!! This can’t be done if we’re always over consumed and concerned with how much others dislike us.

September 23, 2009 4:33 PM

 
<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

I have no problem whatsoever with interracial dating or couples. I was blessed, in my college years, to be around white gay guys who, yes, carried a lot of privilege with them, but also were able to acknowledge that privilege in many contexts. I'm still friends with my freshman roomate, who grew up in such a gay friendly home that he never felt that he even had to "label" himself; he called himself "fluid" for most of our college years, right now he's a year into a relationship with a (white) guy.

I'm a very sex positive person, and as long as you're being real about any fetishes that you want to act on and can keep it in context, that's your business. But we all should know better than to think that what you do in bed has any effect on your public politics.

Realistically, I don't see myself in a deep relationship with anyone that's not of the African diaspora, but then again, you can never say never when it comes to matters of the heart...

September 23, 2009 6:40 PM

 
<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

What are the HIV infection rates among black gay men 18-25 years old in Washington and Atlanta? Could there possibly be a relationship between those epidemiological statistics and the dating issues discussed ?

September 24, 2009 6:11 AM

 
<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

Have you ever dated outside of your race?
I have. Most of the men I have dated in the past decade have been white.

Would you consider doing so now?
I am.

How do you feel about black gay men who only date white men and vice versa?
I have a problem with any man of any race only dating one color. I’m attracted to all colors so it’s not a fetish or anything like that. I am genuinely attracted to men of all races but for the last dozen or so years it has happened to be mostly white me.
I would love to date a black man but there are so many issues usually that the hurdles make it almost impossible. These reasons are socio-economical, self-identification and a few others that are mentioned above and it is exhausting trying to work them all out. I’m not saying that I am too lazy, but I want a grown man who has done his homework on himself and adjusted and moved on past them. That’s difficult to find.

In the post Obama era should race even be apart of the equation when looking for a mate?
I don’t think it should. Love is love and has no color. I only wished that other people could see this.

September 24, 2009 6:43 AM

 
<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

I'm under 30 and from the south.

1. Have you ever dated outside of your race?

No

2. Would you consider doing so now?

No. Only interested in men who are part of the African Diaspora. Men who lack western/southern African features like mine don't interest me.

3. How do you feel about black gay men who only date white men and vice versa?

Self-haters. How can you NOT like what you see in the mirror every day?

4. In the post Obama era should race even be apart of the equation when looking for a mate?

No. It should be a part of the equation, not separate ("apart"= separate from, "a part of" is inclusive).
If black gay men never see any couples who look like them, how can they expect to function successfully in a relationship with another BGM?

I say that for those who are only interested in their own kind. For those who are truly interested in anyone who will treat them well, race is not and cannot be an issue.

September 24, 2009 10:28 AM

 
<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

The Fireplace in DC has some of that SWIRL stuff going on. You see it a lot during the week. Sunday nights are much better. I DONT see a lot of that going on at the Mill,Club Liv,The Eye Bar,Mirrors or the Delta. Bruthas are pretty much into bruthas.

Also,I would never live in SWIRL hotbeds like Los Angeles,San Francisco,Seattle, or anywhere out West.

September 24, 2009 11:26 AM

 
<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

I've dated outside of my race before and I would do so again.
Granted, I do have a strong preference for black men but I like cute white bois too. Although I'm not really into Asian or Mexican men if I felt chemistry with either or I'd pursue it.
For me it's all about leaving myself open to possibility. I am looking for true love, romance, passion, and monogamy. If all I wanted to do was f**k then my answer might be different...
But for me it's just about finding true love. As long as that person loves, respects, cherishes, and treats me like a "Queen" then hue is irrelevant.

As it is I feel like the black gay community needs to get out of it's neuroticism and dysfunction. If there was no black gay pride week in Atlanta (aka a sexfest)there probably wouldn't BE a black gay community. Which is really sad.
Perhaps if we stopped thinking of each other as purely sexual conquests then MAYBE we could start having beautiful loving relationships.

September 24, 2009 1:22 PM

 
<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

I have to agree, in part, with ToddyE about finding true love being the most important. I grew up in NYC, and in my 41 years have been blessed enough to live all over the world. I only state this to say that I have seen almost EVERY race at its best and worst. I have dated every race and nationality, some for a couple of weeks, some for years. For the past 8 years I have been in a monogamous relationship with someone outside my race. We do not buy into the whole "color trophy" thing. We are each others trophy. We value each other on things much more important than appendage size and cultural stereotyping. We have a home together, we go to church together, and we both place our relationship and each other above everything else. We currently live in SC for work considerations,and even here, we are blessed to be surrounded by loving neighbors(to our faces, I'm not stupid)and great friends. I guess my point is, like in life, the only limits in love are the ones that are self imposed.
I wish you all peace, love and light!

September 24, 2009 2:58 PM

 
<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

That's what I like to hear. This keeps me motivated.

Kudos to D and his husband!

September 24, 2009 3:05 PM

 
<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

"Have you ever dated outside of your race? Would you consider doing so now? How do you feel about black gay men who only date white men and vice versa? In the post Obama era should race even be apart of the equation when looking for a mate?"

I don't know if I've "dated" outside my race but I have had plenty of sex outside my race. And it's been pretty enjoyable. I did live with a black gay man once for several years. There was a LOT of friction and we parted ways. We're still friends though.

As far as how I feel about black gay men who date "out", I say more power to them.

I don't think race should be part of the equation when it comes to looking for a mate. Where I live, which is Cincinnati, Ohio, the pickings when it comes to black gay men are slim to none.

Most of the black gay men in Cincy who are in long-term relationships are with white men. Period. Black gay men here won't even look at another black gay man unless they know you. It's always been that way here.

I would advise the younger black gay men: if you meet a white gay man that can respect and love you for who you are go for it. Don't wait for "Tyrone". I guess you can tell that I don't believe in "black gay love". The reason for that is that over the course of my 50 plus years I've rarely seen it.

Black gay men in Cincinnati, Ohio (and Cincy is almost 1/2 black in terms of population) have so many "issues" around being gay and worrying about what family members, church folk and others are going to say that they don't seem to realize that they only have ONE life and that they should live it for themselves and themselves ONLY. They don't seem to know how to walk away from homophobic family members and/or homophobic churches.

Black gay men sometimes say that white gay men only want black men for sex. Well, what do black gay men want you for? That is, if they want you at all which they often don't (at least where I live).

Don't turn your back on love or a chance at love just because the man is white. My experience tells me that you will grow old, dry up and blow away waiting on "Tyrone" to love you. "Tyrone" is not going to love you because "Tyrone", in all too many cases, does not love himself. Deep down inside, Tyrone is in turmoil because he's gay. A black gay man in Cincy will look right through you (or if they do look at you they'll give you the side-eye) on their way to some white guy that doesn't look half as good as you do.

Don't put the "race" (as in black race) first because the race is not going to put you first. Put yourself and YOUR happiness first in everything you do. ELIMINATE HOMOPHOBIC FAMILY MEMBERS AND HOMOPHOBIC CHURCHES FROM YOUR LIFE. I have seen with my own eyes over the years that the HAPPIEST black gay men are the ones who can do this RUTHLESSLY and WITHOUT LOOKING BACK. And, if these black gay men have partners, they usually have white partners because most black gay men can't let go of their homophobic families and churches which are the very things that destroy them.

PS: About 9 or 10 years ago, one of my black gay acquaintances met a guy when he was around 55 or 56 (he's in his mid-sixties now). The guy my friend met was in his early to mid 40s. They established a relationship, bought a house and operate a small business together. The younger guy (who is now is his fifties) is a white gay man. They're still together. So I'm hopeful that love may come my way like it did for my friend. If it does, I know it will NOT be a black guy.

September 25, 2009 7:15 AM

 
<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

Let's keep it real.

If you wanna get away from a lot of that Snow Queen drama there are 2 cities where black men who want to be black men live.

in this order:

1-Atlanta
2-DC

New York City has fallen way down the list over the past 5 or 6 years. You still have a lot of Black men who are still into black men, but a chunk of them are starting to play in the snow a little. Just look at the Chelsea section of Manhattan. The Langston Nightclub crowd in Brooklyn and one of 2 clubs in Manhattan still cater to brothers who are into brothers.

If you are in backwoods places like Cincy and Louisville,just get a white man and be done with it.

September 25, 2009 10:20 AM

 
<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

This is an excellent topic! I am in my 30s and have been out since I was a teenager. I have dated white guys in the past. Most of the black gay men I have seen in long term relationships have been partnered with whites.

That said, it is probably a reflection of the type of people I hang around. I'm not putting a gay flag on my car, but I'm also not going to lie to family or friends about who I am. I have met too many black men who are closeted or DL and I can't tolerate that in a relationship. If they are lying to people they are supposed to be close to, how can I realistically have any trust in them?

Another issue I've had with black men is that desire to get to the sex instead of trying to date. I've recently gone out on a couple of a dates with a black man, and my friends can't believe I haven't already slept with him.

To each his own, but I feel if you have sex within the first few times of meeting someone, the chances of a relationship are miniscule.

That is a problem with white gays also, but I notice it more with black men because our numbers are smaller compared to theirs.

My ideal relationship is with another black man. But I have reached the point where I'm looking for someone to love me, and if he ends up being Asian, white, or Latino, so be it.

September 26, 2009 9:36 PM

 
<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

@Anonymous September 25, 2009 10:20 AM said:
If you wanna get away from a lot of that Snow Queen drama there are 2 cities where black men who want to be black men live. in this order:

1-Atlanta
2-DC

My response:
Every black gay man can't or, maybe, doesn't want to move to or live in Atlanta or DC.

I know black gay men in a number of American cities and they ALL say that most of the black gay men they know in long term relationships (in their particular city) have white partners. That may or may not apply to Atlanta and DC but it appears to be true almost every place else.

I happen to live in a city where most of the black gay men in long term relationships are partnered with white gay men. That's one reason why I'm such a fan of darian's effort to profile actual black gay couples. It gives those of us living in "backwoods" cities (which is probably where MOST black gay men reside) a different prospective.

But I am not going to reject someone just because of skin color. The opportunities to meet viable black gay men in my city who are interested in a LTR with other black gay men are far and few between.

September 27, 2009 12:33 PM

 
<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

I was a 23 year old white kid, fairly closeted and away at Bible College when I met Larry, my first real relationship. Larry sought me out during my first trip to the gay bar and he was an incredibly handsome black guy. I've dated white hispanic and black guys as I've grown older, but no one made the kind of impression on me as Larry did...and that impression wasn't solely related to the fact he was black and I was white. It was because of ALL of that. We're all the sum of our own parts and skin color is just one aspect of that. As a white guy from Idaho (yes really) I know I can't begin to understand the black experience, but I can say the black men I have dated have been compassionate, intense and rich in personality, and have left an indelible mark on who I am as a gay man.

September 28, 2009 11:22 AM

 
<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

Co-sign on the last anonymous comment. It's unrealistic to expect every black gay man to move to DC or Atlanta.

From what I hear and read online, those places aren't paradise, either! DC black gays have coins and education, but seem to lack any sense of activism or social responsibility. A black gay man was beaten to death in the street, the killer got less than 6 months in jail, and I still have not heard a statement from the DC black gay community.

Everyone I know who has lived in Atlanta has either moved away or become bitter because only the A-list types get attention and with all those black gay men surrounding you, it's very difficult to maintain a committed relationship.

September 28, 2009 1:17 PM

 
<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

My name is Cleon T. Day, III and I recently authored a book entitled "Grand Prize Lookin' for a Winner a dating/relationship guide to Gay Men of Color". Darian posted a review of in in January of this year. I live and date in Atlanta and a few cities within the state of Georgia. My last boyfriend happen to be from Mobile Alabama (5 hours away from Atlanta) and happen to be Native Indian, raised on a Indian Reservation. He didn't really want to talk about his childhood(seemingly worse than Blacks living in the ghetto).

Anyway I date men and am not caught up in race or culture. The few Caucasians I've dated turned out to have dated me for the Black myth. They had no flavor in them, meaning being comfortable and at ease in a predominately/all black environment while I had no problems in being in an predominate/all white environment. It has been my experience here in ATL black gay men tend to intimidate mixed couple (white or Latino men with a black man) with their stares and comments.

Dating is challenging no matter who you date, some Gay Men of Color have resigned themselves from dating Black men only and are looking at other options. I've even understand some have thought about going back to women because it was easier in dating women.

There are relationship-oriented men out here however they are not out in the mainstream (the clubs, Black Prides, gay organizations, gay events and get-a-ways) therefore many gay brothas are'nt able to connect with them. They're are in our everyday life everywhere working in both public & private sector but they're just not wearing their "gayness" on their sleeves and can't easily be detected. (Gaydar may not work all the time, however when it does, they generally are not going to let you know they are simply because you've clocked them)

Some of these guys are closeted while others are just discreet or low-key. You see them at the grocery stores, department stores, gas stations, eateries, etc. They are usually with a female co-worker or friend or by themselves. It's rare you would see them hanging out in twos and threes like many gay brothas do in our community. Some of these brothas might be at some of the annual white parties held by friends.

My assessment is based on my personal experiences and observations. There are good SGL/Gay Men of Color

September 28, 2009 4:13 PM

 
<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

Cleon:

I appreciate your comments but they left me very confused.

If the "good men" not only avoid the club, black pride, and gay-identified social organizations, but also won't tell someone who just clocked him and expresses interest that he's gay, what are we to do?

September 28, 2009 5:57 PM

 
<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

Sorry Brotha I didn't mean to leave anyone confuse, again these are my opinions. Before I came into the "gay lifestyle" I hooked up with "straight" brothas. I borrowed their premise of hooking up with men, discretion. The gay men who are not in the mainstream would be considered by most people standards "masculine". Now it doesn't mean that they are only into masculine men some of them prefer a more effeminate type man. However you define yourself "these" men prefer discretion over any overtness.

If you see a guy over and over again because of your routine you can catch his attention over a short period of time. You may see him one time and give a nod, maybe a hi. When you fell comfortable you then may pay him a compliment from one man to another, straight brothas do this all the time (i.e. nice shoes, threads, haircut) and ask a question about it. When you feel like you're not scarring him off you can get more personal and ask him questions like "Are you married or a single brotha like myself?", "Where do you work?" Or dress it down 'Where are the good jobs?", "So what do you do for some excitement"? (that "I'm looking for a cool dude to hang out with" vibe)

On the otherhand if it's a one time only deal you need to get in some practice by acknowledging strangers who don't want to be acknowledge. Most brothas don't speak when they pass by you or standing in the same area like a lobby or elevator (you may be one of them too).

Now after you get the digits it's up to you to slowly find out if he's on the same team.

September 28, 2009 7:42 PM

 
<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

some of you are using the "blacvk men aint right" as an excuse, for not dealing with your own issues.
get some help.
to even suggest that race is a determining factor in your ability to have a LTR, shows that YOU have issues you are not addressing. yes, maybe YOU are the issue, and not all those other "black men"
grow up. to even imagine any intelligent person saying that black men can only have a ltr outside their race is stupidity.

February 16, 2010 4:30 AM

 
<$BlogCommentAuthor$> said...

saying "i dont believe in black gay love"....stupid. hello! thats why u cant find it! you want it to overcome your issues, issues that you automatically dont have with whites. get professional help!
Last time I checked, white gay folks are complaining about relationships too......hmmm.
i am just astounded by the level of ignorance people are willing to verbalize and pretend its actually intelligent or even rational.
shame!
Sean

February 16, 2010 4:33 AM

 

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