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Wednesday, July 08, 2009
By now I'm sure many of you are aware of the latest celebrity outing involving actor/singer Terrell Carter well know for his work in Tyler Perry productions Meet The Browns and Diary of A Mad Black Woman. I received the pictures that are now making it's way around the internet days before the story broke and chose not to post them.
Coming out is an intensely personal decision that affects the individual and his or her family tremendously. While I'm an advocate of coming out after having done so myself at 16, I understand that it must be done by the individual in his own time.
Beyond Terrell Carter and his current situation there's a segment of men with same-sex attraction who willingly participate in sexual activity with other men but reject the gay label and anything associated with the gay political movement. The words of one such man (who is also an anonymous blogger) responding to the Terrell Carter outing inspired this open thread.
He writes:
I do not play when it comes to my privacy.
I mind my business and keep my eye on my own prize.
Gay men think because they are OUT, you should be too.
No.
Not everyone HAS to be walking around the fucking gay pride,
holding hands and singing “I’m Coming Out”. Reality is,
there are alot of gay men who prefer a private life.
They like to hang out with straight people.
They haven’t come to terms with their sexuality and that is okay.
Not all of us are “ready”.
For that to be jeopardized is again: not right.
Hmmm...I have so much I want to say. A longtime reader of this blog (MR. FAMU) sums it up for me.
You would never ask a heterosexual to "keep silent" on their sexual orientation because the assumption is that there is NOTHING wrong with their orientation to begin with, but the fact gay men feel that they have to HIDE THEIR SEXUAL ORIENTATION speaks to a larger issue about how they view themselves and their orientation as somehow not normal and deviant. I am not going to coddle this man when he assumes that gay prides are nothing more than holding hands and singing Diana Ross songs. He lacks a knowledge of self and that is the reason he is in the situation he is in. Its not because he is gay that he is being exposed. Its because he is a hypocrite who thought living a LIE would make things okay for him. THE TRUTH IS ALWAYS AND ALWAYS WILL BE THE LIGHT!
Don't hold back. Discuss.
20 Comments:
Well, I am dealing with this situation now with someone I care about deeply. I've been out for years now and I'm dealing with a man who will not come out because of his profession and Christian family. I don't understand completely but I allow my bae to be himself and hopefully he will come out sooner than later. If not then I will have to move on eventually, before i get too deep. Now As far as Mr. Terell...well, he knows me and knows me well, actually it's been about 2-3 years so I'm almost positive he's probably forgotten about the pass he made at me in the West Hollywood Target. Anyways I didn't like the fact that he was interested in me but as soon as his sidekick or close friend (which looks kinda like the dude in the pic) came back from the electronic area he totally brushed me off and it was as if I was never there. But Under standing that the Madea movie was coming out and his career was now picking up speed, I understood why he would be so secretive so i bounced. I felt like shit but I understood. So I say... God be with you and my bae whom I care for dearly. Come out in your own time but don't you dare try and put all gays down like we don't understand or care. As soon as you hurt us then we will lash out loud! Oh and to mr. Terell... I forgive you.
July 08, 2009 6:36 PM
I have to say this situation leaves me saying "hmmmm". I read about this on Jamari Fox's blog and wondered who he was talking about then read the story on mediatakeout.
I don't know that I'm insensitive to people taking their own time but there is something that says when you combine taking the pictures/video, etc. with fame at any level it's a potent mix.
My motherwit tells me this is why it's best not to have secrets or at least prepare yourself to walk head up when they come to light.
I hope I don't come across as judgmental but I am a little weary of the whole "love the act/hate the label" thing....
July 08, 2009 6:47 PM
I think its a doubled edged sword. Yes coming out is a personal and serious issue but as a public figure you do better for the common good by coming out. I think we put too much pressure on those who are not out. It was very unfortunate that he was outed but its a risk that one must take when closeted.
I think out gay black men sometimes are too hard on those who aren't out and want to label them as "Dl" whereas its not quite true. When your career, friends, and possibly family are on the line, it is a scary thing to go through wondering what may happen. These men may not be sleeping with women but chose not to broadcast their sexuality. I think those who are out, sometimes do a disservice to the movement as well by forcing others to come out of the closet before they are ready. This can be a traumatic experience and will leave a lasting impression on those gay and straight involved.
The discussion of who is and isn't out and if they are "dl" is a distraction to the real issues- equality in the workforce and at home. We should not tolerate people "outing" a person in this way. It's divisive, intrusive, and just down right mean. -AMD
July 08, 2009 6:47 PM
After commenting on this I really do feel horrible. It is not my intent to add fuel to the fire. Hell, although he's discreet about his sexuality, why does it matter to us if he comes out? Really he's said nothing that would cause us to be angry. Yes were out but we have to ubderstand that not everyone will be on the front line with us from day one. Although we are liberated be tend to push others further in the cage in an attempt to pull them out. Hell i'm gay but I don't swing the rainbow flag nor do I march. I'm gay and clockable if I may. There are others who are gay and discreet. So the question is...How can we be a positive influence of coming out rather than do what the churches has done to us to beat it out of us? Just a thought.
July 08, 2009 7:02 PM
Notice how the guy described out gay people.
"Not everyone HAS to be walking around the fucking gay pride,
holding hands and singing “I’m Coming Out”. "
Until DL gay people have respect for out gay people like myself....I wont respect them.
July 08, 2009 7:07 PM
But is that always the right thing to do? Just because one group of people don't understand us, do we count them out? We must not let other people who don't believe or support our vision sway our actions and attitude. We must stand firm and still show case unconditional love and understanding to all...even if out toes get stepped on. If we respect others soley if they respect us then what are we proving? Not a damn thing.
July 08, 2009 7:20 PM
After looking at Mediatakeout, my feelings toward TC have changed. If you are not out and want your life to remain private, there are somethings you shouldn't do (like going to a predominately gay beach and taking pictures in speedos) -AMD
July 08, 2009 7:36 PM
This guy calls it a "fucking gay pride".
And we are suppose to give 'em respect? T.Carter constantly told anyone who'd care to listen how he love women. I'm not saying its right that his ex outed him but thats the price u pay for being a celeb with secrets.I'm not gonna feel sorry for him.
Not admitting you are gay is one thing and saying you are straight when u are not is totaly another - its called lying and lies often have a way of blowing up on your face.T.Carter found out the hard way.
he never had to admit he was gay(its his business), just like he didn't have to say he was straight.
July 08, 2009 7:46 PM
I say, you can't have it both ways. You can't put yourself out there (date, socialize, etc) in the "gay" world and expect your sexuality to remain private. My other point is that there is a difference between actively working on becoming comfortable with your sexuality and just laying dormant in your growth. A lot of men benefit from the lifestyle but because they're not "out" they feel accountability should not be prescribed to them because of their decision to be "private" or DL. And I think that's BS.
July 08, 2009 7:49 PM
WTF! ight....hold on...mediatakeout.com? ok that site is trash. Also we all do things in private and want certain things to remain private. You cannot tell me that Someone like Terrell Carter ( My baby dady) lol! would be out there in speedos as if he knew media was going to be there. NoOOOOOOO! He was minding his own business and having a good time. There is someone out there trying to destroy his career because they have nothing better to do but to produced trash to increase their popularity. Come on ya'll have we become so entangles in coming out that we gotta hurt people so they are forced to come out. I mean the only reason he is in the media like he is now about his sexuality, is because of a scorned and bitter ex lover who doesn't love but vengance. BTW this dude didn't care for Terrell too much since he was always in the clubs all on other men in West Hollywood at the Circus, Metro Wedensday, First Fridays, Tiger HEat and various places in NYC. So what's your view now? Let the man live his life... WE'VE BECOME LIKE OUR OWN ENEMY.
July 08, 2009 7:54 PM
So if that's the case... Lets expose all of our secrets and lies today! Come on ya'll get real! Who are we to judge?
July 08, 2009 7:56 PM
whil i do understand his wanting his privacy at the same time i will say this michael's death should be a reminder how life is too short to be fooled up with worrying about what others think about your life.as long as you and god are okay, others and their opinions go out the door
July 08, 2009 8:43 PM
TC reportedly told anyone who would listen that he loooooved women. He was a liar! TC's apparently jilted lover decided to get even by exposing TC's secret. This happens when you lie about your sexuality.
I am sick of black gay men who deny their homosexuality AS IF being gay or bisexual is the most terrible thing in the world.
If you want to keep your homosexuality "private", you don't hang out on public beaches with the "children". You don't have relationships (not even casual friendships) with "out" gay men.
If you want to keep your homosexuality a secret, you need to associate EXCLUSIVELY with gay/bisexual men who are just as secretive and "unclockable" as you are.
July 09, 2009 12:01 AM
Some risks are just not worth taking. Especially when you're a celebrity and a closeted homosexual. Even though it's really f-cked up that this has happened to TC, he doesn't strike me as being stupid so he should have known to take better precautions.
I definitely don't think that anyone should be forced out of the closet, however, I also think it's sad that so many sacrafice their personal lives, maturity, and happiness to stay in the closet. TC can take this horrific event and turn it into an opportunity for him to freely be the gay person that he obviously is. My guess is that he'll never do that, never directly address it, sink into depression and continue to live a secret and more discreet life of shame at the expense of his personal freedom & happiness.
July 09, 2009 9:28 AM
To some extent I agree with closing statement made about RESPECTING ONE'S PRIVACY. I mean really...who's business is it except for the people you are dating and/or sleeping with? To the point of PRIDE EVENTS...they aint for everybody. How many folks you know leave town...particularly in DC and ATL when its black gay pride weekend in their city? Many things that occur on such weekends are not always that gives someone who is gay PRIDE. in fact, someof the things that be going on has casued some be disgusted and not want to be associated with the "community". The one thing I disagree with him on is the statement about equating one's desire for PRIVACY with not being comfortable with their sexuality. that is not always the case. There are many...like myself...who are quite comfortable with who they are. I really question people's motives at times when they are so adamant about wanting someone ELSE to COME OUT. Are those same people going to be there to support them if they losed loved ones or their livelihood even? Or is it a WE'VE had to suffer loss and we want you too as well? hmmmm....I wonder sometimes...
July 09, 2009 9:52 AM
He just sounds like another pathetic, pitiful, and antithetical to the larger aims of the gay community black man. Another self hating, self loathing, and self denying homosexual. He seems to think that his brand of homosexuality is the BEST type of homosexuality. The one where you are a coward and live a life of shame. I have no respect for a person who does not respect themselves. It is not an invasion of privacy to disclose your SEXUAL ORIENTATION. Some people are straight, some people are gay, and some people are bisexual. Now whether or not he needs to disclose of his SEX LIFE and SEX HABITS ie: how he has sex (what positions), how many people he has sex with, the places he has sex in, the objects he includes when he has sex... THOSE ARE THINGS THAT YOU KEEP PRIVATE. You would never ask a heterosexual to "keep silent" on their sexual orientation because the assumption is that there is NOTHING wrong with their orientation to begin with but the fact gay men feel that they have to HIDE THEIR SEXUAL ORIENTATION speaks to a larger issue about how they view themselves and their orientation as somehow not normal and deviant. I am not going to coddle this man when he assumes that gay prides are nothing more than holding hands and singing Diana Ross songs. He lacks a knowledge of self and that is the reason he is in the situation he is in. Its not because he is gay that he is being exposed. Its because he is a hypocrite who thought living a LIE would make things okay for him. THE TRUTH IS ALWAYS AND ALWAYS WILL BE THE LIGHT!
July 09, 2009 10:24 AM
@MR FAMU - I whole heartedly agree with your comment. Moving it to the front page.
July 09, 2009 10:42 AM
What else will the gay mainstream deem is acceptable to do to people "for the greater good"?
July 09, 2009 10:50 AM
I agree with Mr. Famu's comment. Being "gay"(e.g. open and accepting of what you are)is more than just gay pride parades and singing along to Diana Ross. It is about being affirming of who you are, no more no less.
Being gay is not about the pomp and circumstance of "the scene." It's just being who you are.
People who remain closeted because they want to be defined as "normal" (e.g. hang out with heterosexual men and emulate straight people)yet reap the benefits of the gay rights struggle.
Overall, the type of people who want to be "normal" I could careless about. I don't want anything to do with that down low drama. It is all sooooo 2003.
What I do care about is coming out. It is personally for everyone. I was OUTED before I was ready to come out to anyone and the situation was traumatic. I am still recovering from it. No one knows the humiliation and embarrassment that it causes particularly when you are unsure of yourself and who you truly are.
July 09, 2009 1:30 PM
FIRST HIS BEING THROWN OUT OF THE CLOSET ISN'T A SURPRISE TO ME...I FEEL SORRY FOR HIM BECAUSE I KNOW HOW THAT FEELS, BUT HE HAD TO KNOW SOONER OR LATER THAT HE WOULD BE OUTED...I GET WHAT HE IS TRYING TO SAY ABOUT HAVING A PRIVATE LIFE, BUT HE DOES HAVE IT A BIT WRONG ABOUT WHAT PRIVACY MEANS...I AM NOT A CLUB GOER NOR WOULD I PARTICIPATE IN A PRIDE PARADE, HOWEVER I KNOW THAT THERE IS MORE TO BEING GAY THAN THOSE THINGS & IF HE BASES HIS IDENTITY ON THEM...WELL DESERVES TO GET WHAT HE GOT. FOR FAR TOO LONG WE'VE BEEN TAKING THE HEAT WHILE HE INDULGES IN THE ACT, BUT REJECT THE BAD THAT COMES WITH IT...NAH IN THIS LIFE YOU TAKE THINGS AS THEY COME...
July 09, 2009 3:58 PM
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