We all have the need to feel special and it's this need that can bring out the best in us and yet the worst in us.- J.J.
Today has been one of those days when eveything that could go wrong did go wrong. It never fails, every month like clockwork I have my "Velvet Rope" moment when I examine my life and I realize how nothing has gone according to plan and I begin to sink into a depression.
I am not supposed to be where I am in life right now, "this" was not apart of my plan. What's "this"? Whoever I am and whatever space I'm in right now, I'm not supposed to be here.
Sometimes I wonder what happened to the dancer from Alabama who moved to New York City with all of those dreams. I slept, ate, and breathed dancing. Now I could really care less if I make it to class or if I ever attend another audition.
I guess I'm changing and it's so damn uncomfortable.
He took so much away from me, all I ever wanted to do was love him. I looked around and I had every material thing that a man could want but I didn't have anyone to share it with, and then one night in February he came into my life and changed it forever.
I look back on all of the stupid mistakes I made and I wish I could take it back, I wish I would have known that his love was going to hurt. I wish I would have loved myself enough then to just say no, but I didn't. I let him lie and say that he loved me in one breath and then listened to voicemails of him loving another.
I didn't deserve it. I literally gave him the clothes off my back. Damn ! I was so stupid. My friends tried to warn me in their own way but I wouldn't have listened. I was going to marry this man, the hunt was over, he was supposed to be the one.
God sometimes I just want to cry and release everything that's built up inside , all of the pain, rejection, and frustration I've experienced over the years, but I can't...my body won't let me.
I don't know why I'm writing about this, this topic was not my intention when I sat down to write tonight. This damn thing just crept up on me and I guess I've just gotta get it out.
Sometimes I get so scared because I don't know what the future holds. I don't know what success is for me anymore.
Before I measured it by being cast in a Broadway show or dancing in a music video, now I'm entering into unknown territory.
I'm a writer, an activist, a manager, a boyfriend. I'm Darian. And if I don't know anything else, I know in order for me to survive I've got to write, I've got to dance, I've got to be vocal about the state of black gays and lesbians in America, I've got to worship God, and I have to do it all without apology.
I don't even know if any of this makes sense, my thoughts and feelings are train wreck waiting to happen right now.
Maybe one of these days I'll allow myself to cry...just not tonight.