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Monday, November 06, 2006
We all have the need to feel special and it's this need that can bring out the best in us and yet the worst in us.- J.J.
Today has been one of those days when eveything that could go wrong did go wrong. It never fails, every month like clockwork I have my "Velvet Rope" moment when I examine my life and I realize how nothing has gone according to plan and I begin to sink into a depression.
I am not supposed to be where I am in life right now, "this" was not apart of my plan. What's "this"? Whoever I am and whatever space I'm in right now, I'm not supposed to be here.
Sometimes I wonder what happened to the dancer from Alabama who moved to New York City with all of those dreams. I slept, ate, and breathed dancing. Now I could really care less if I make it to class or if I ever attend another audition.
I guess I'm changing and it's so damn uncomfortable.
He took so much away from me, all I ever wanted to do was love him. I looked around and I had every material thing that a man could want but I didn't have anyone to share it with, and then one night in February he came into my life and changed it forever.
I look back on all of the stupid mistakes I made and I wish I could take it back, I wish I would have known that his love was going to hurt. I wish I would have loved myself enough then to just say no, but I didn't. I let him lie and say that he loved me in one breath and then listened to voicemails of him loving another.
I didn't deserve it. I literally gave him the clothes off my back. Damn ! I was so stupid. My friends tried to warn me in their own way but I wouldn't have listened. I was going to marry this man, the hunt was over, he was supposed to be the one.
God sometimes I just want to cry and release everything that's built up inside , all of the pain, rejection, and frustration I've experienced over the years, but I can't...my body won't let me.
I don't know why I'm writing about this, this topic was not my intention when I sat down to write tonight. This damn thing just crept up on me and I guess I've just gotta get it out.
Sometimes I get so scared because I don't know what the future holds. I don't know what success is for me anymore.
Before I measured it by being cast in a Broadway show or dancing in a music video, now I'm entering into unknown territory.
I'm a writer, an activist, a manager, a boyfriend. I'm Darian. And if I don't know anything else, I know in order for me to survive I've got to write, I've got to dance, I've got to be vocal about the state of black gays and lesbians in America, I've got to worship God, and I have to do it all without apology.
I don't even know if any of this makes sense, my thoughts and feelings are train wreck waiting to happen right now.
Maybe one of these days I'll allow myself to cry...just not tonight.
Labels: Activism
6 Comments:
yeah brotha, you definitely need to allow yourself some release. Remember that you are surrounded by dedicated and loving friends that will allow you to be that vulnerable. Get it out....because it seems to me that you are holding on to too much pain and disappointment, and it's messing with your current frame of mind.
Darian, one thing I'm learning (reluctantly mind you) is that as much as we like to think we should have control and dominion over what our lives should resemble and where we should be at a certain point, IT DOESN'T ALWAYS WORK THAT WAY. You can't beat yourself up over it, because some things are beyond your control. If you're going to spend time reflecting on something, reflect on the tremendous things you have accomplished so far and what is left to accomplish in the future.
Being an overachiever is a blessing and a curse isn't it? You could be doing some very powerful and amazing things, but it's still not good enough because you're not doing what you're "supposed to be doing". I challenge you to step back and look at the all the great things you have accomplished. I guarantee you by doing that you will approach your current situation with a new found appreciation for life.
If the 'velvet rope' you experience so frequently is doing nothing to strengthen your resolve or tighten your game, why even endure it? Pray, fellowship, cry a lil' bit, vent, and redirect your thinking when you feel it coming on. Don't allow yourself to be a victim to negativity Darian. Beat that shit down with an emotional bat as soon as it surfaces.
November 07, 2006 3:11 AM
OK, you need a session.
Have you ever considered the possibility that you are exactly where you suppose to be and doing what you're suppose to be doing? Cliche aside, all too often we get caught in the vision of our collective and or individually perceived destination. And we don't enjoy the journey, not even appreciate the life lessons along the way that will prove to be invaluable pearls of wisdom that we will be inevitably pass on to others (love ones, friends, even strangers). Some people will commit this knowledge to paper (blogs , books, essays). Other folks will simply move on. Not saying this is your reality, but ponder the words.
I personally do not know you, have never met you, but I do read and enjoy your blog. You are a seeker. You must be challenged and occupied with stimulating conversations, other seekers and situations. As previous advised by "Dancehard," on a different level, take a step back and say "thank you." This journey you are on is yours and your measured steps or misstep are perhaps commissioned. Only you can answer that based upon your own relationship and walk with the Creator.
You are fine. All is well. As Maya Angelou instructs, "Each new day holds new changes for new beginnings...." As I peruse your blog, it is clear that you are not wasting time or energy on foolishness.
Now stand erect! Center yourself and get back to work on your flesh, spiritual and emotional vessel. Now go. And don't you dare look back!!!
p.s. Get to Tower Records and collect some memories. Everything is on major sale. I think they close early December. Told you I read this blog. Safe Journeys!
- T.
November 07, 2006 6:18 PM
Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. Even thought it sucks now, that person gave you exactly what you needed. Now focus on what you were purpose to be. Live Out Loud Darian
November 07, 2006 11:35 PM
so it's pms time eh?
Just remember sweetheart..
YOU ARE NOT YOUR PAST!..
However much it may affect or reflect your present and/or future.
Healing takes time. Let go of any appology you deserve or desire.
Maybe it's time to appologize to yourself. Forgivness starts there.
Sometimes it takes those who love you to remind ourselves of who we are~ it is then,
that we (w/o thought) somehow return to our 'path'..
Your shining light brightens the lives of all you touch. Your Spirit and Passion ignite braverous acts from others when they are most scared...
You have the ability to express, articulate, motivate, and educate the minority of unspoken realities that effect many.
To many you are a hero-courageous and relentless.
Grab hold of the inspirtation you gift daily, and allow yourself to receive that hug, moment or moments of feeling vulnerable and hurt.
It's these moments we need to allow ourselves to be loved back and love ourselves.
e.
November 08, 2006 1:29 AM
WOW!!!! Everything yOuve said is what I am experiencing myself at 26 years old...yOu just became a mirror image of myself. Thank yOu for this post...its nice to know that I am not the only one going through moments like these. Keep your head up Darian because you are truly an INSPIRATION to me.
November 10, 2006 11:57 PM
Boy, you had better cry... and when you are done, do what Patti LaBelle says on her Burnin' cd--- FLUFF UP!!!! You know that you put it down and keep it together. I am glad that you decided to post something so personal. As you can see by the previous comments, God has a way of showing you that people go through the same things and he will even send those along who will give you a comforting word. We, as people, are not that different. We all hurt, we all smile, we all fall short. What I find the most inspiring is the fact that we have the ability to bounce back and overcome.
November 29, 2006 8:18 PM
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