Living Out Loud with Darian

JNez is a 36 year old full-time student and stay at home dad to three beautiful daughters. Born and raised in New York City and Fayetville, North Carolina he now calls Bronx, New York home. He is the creator of JNez@thirtydaes.com and the winner of the 2008 Black Weblog Award for Best Personal Blog. He has been living with HIV for 20 years. This is his story.


Darian: Tell me about your coming out process.


JNez: I was kinda forced out. My parents didn't really value our privacy. My dad had a policy where all the doors in the house had to be open. I'd started writing down all of the same-sex feelings I was having and I had a gay pen pal whom I'd write back and forth, and one letter contained a really explicit fantasy, and of course my dad found the damn letter. I was 15 and it had to be the worst day of my life at that point. My dad goes into his back pocket and pulls out the letter and proceeds to read it to the entire family and I was mortified!


Darian: How did your mother react to your coming out?


JNez: She was in disbelief. She wasn't really supportive at all either. The only person who was supportive was my sister, she had begun to notice that I was beginning to withdraw, so I ended up confiding in her.


Darian: So I guess the tension was pretty thick in your house after the truth was revealed?


JNez: Yes it was.


Darian: How did you deal with it? What was your escape?


My escape was the library. I used to take the bus and spend every Saturday and Sunday in the library. It was one particular day I decided to leave and walk downtown and I ended up in a park and I came across this guy, and their was this obvious sexual energy between us and I remember thinking, "I wish we could have sex right here in this park".


Darian: Did you?


JNez: Yes. We went over to this secluded area and he blew me.


Darian: This was your first sexual experience?


JNez: Yes. So of course I couldn't wait to get back there the next Saturday. And when the next Saturday came and he wasn't there I was devastated.


Darian: Did you leave after you realized he wasn't there?


JNez: No I stayed in the park for about an hour and then another dude walked in and we went off somewhere. He came up behind me and put his hands around my scrotum and started squeezing my testicles and then he put his other hand around my throat in a choke hold and said, "give me your money and your jewels". I had a couple of rings and a chain and he was like, "I'm gonna squeeze harder". I was terrified! I gave it to him and he said, "go ahead and walk away". But I just stood there because I still hadn't gotten what I wanted and I was still hard.


So he tried to penetrate me, but it was my first time and it wasn't really happening, but it happened enough that it was painful and I was bleeding. He left me there bleeding with no money.


Darian: What did you do afterwards?


JNez: Some lady gave me bus fare and I just went home and tried to forget about it. Lo and behold two days later my ass started itching and over the next few days the pain intensified and there was all these bumps back there. I went to the doctor and he told me I had anal warts. I was shook after that! I never went back to that park(laughter).


Darian: This was your second sexual experience?


JNez: Yes it was my second same-sex experience in March of 1988.





Darian: At this point had you heard anything about HIV/AIDS?


Yes. I'd participated in a teen symposium at the very library, but clearly I wasn't thinking about that when the encounter happened. And the images I saw at that time of people dying from AIDS didn't look like me.


Darian: So you thought you knew what HIV looked like?


JNez: Yes and he didn't look sick.


Darian: So you know who infected you?


JNez: Yes it was him. To this day that is the only receptive anal intercourse I've ever tried.


Darian: So how did you find out about your change in status?


JNez: I decided to go into the Marines and there were mandatory tests I had to take and one was an HIV test. And sure enough the HIV test came back positive.


Darian: At this point you'd probably been positive for some time without knowing it?


JNez: Yes at least three years.


Darian: And there were no symptoms?


JNez: None at all. I didn't feel sick or lose weight. I felt fine.


Darian: How did you react to the news?


JNez: Man I was in a daze. I didn't know what to do. There was an HIV campaign around that time and somehow I remembered the number and I was connected to the Montefiore Medical Center in the Bronx and they swooped in and saved me.


Darian: What advice do you have for someone who is newly diagnosed?


JNez: Support, support, support. Get yourself into a comprehensive health clinic where they can address your physical, mental, and emotional health. Trust the healthcare system.


Darian: Looking back do you have any regrets? Would you have done things differently?


JNez: Hell yeah! I would have never went into that park. It created a huge problem with anonymous sex for me. I let my sex drive and my need to connect put me in some really risky situations emotionally and physically.


Darian: Do you think about death often?


JNez: I do think about it and I'm preparing my daughters. HIV is definitely apart of our conversations. I tell them if daddy passes on you'll never be without me. We have this joke about the wind. I tell them my spirit is gonna be in the wind and if you're feeling unsure or you're missing me, step outside and if you feel a breeze it's daddy's spirit. Death is inevitable whether you have HIV or not.


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